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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The milliner.

Right now, I feel like I am neither here nor there. I am wearing many hats but at the same time feel I am not doing anything fully. I fell into the opportunity to work a full-time job with a decent paycheck just so we could get certain situations worked out, temporarily. Each day I go to work and leave Olivia I have to literally drag myself out the door, trying to blast some music so I can think positive and focus on the paycheck. The creative and free-thinking side of me screams, you are wasting your talent.

Before getting pregnant with Olivia, I knew exactly what I wanted from life. Actually, I have known for a while. My ultimate educational goal was to attain my doctorate in Comparative Literature by the age of 28. I aspired to be a college professor, and in time publish a book. And then another. I was on the right track, devouring books weekly and getting excellent grades. On my free time I would write short stories, essays, random musings. Living in San Francisco was so stimulating, inspiring. I turn 25 in April and that PhD is on hold. Not forever, but on hold. My children are my focus, my daughter is my new muse.

One of the positives of being a young mom is that time is on my side, and I know this. I have no problem waiting a couple of years because right now I just want to be enveloped in tiny arms and an earful of baby talk. In this present moment, as I come to work to make some money and count down until I can stay home when the new baby comes I am really battling within myself. I feel like I am in limbo, I am not with Olivia while I am at work and I am also not furthering my actual career goals. It is frustrating, but I know in some ways it is what it best for us. I am juggling so much and sometimes I feel like I am just dropping the ball, not doing it all 100%,

I need to sit down and make a new plan. Life is too short, this sacrifice is too big. I'd rather downsize than go through the motions without my heart into it. I am just not cut out for that, never been able to fake it. Sometimes people think they need to keep their crappy 9-5s but maybe they don't. Sometimes material sacrifices are what needs to be made, and that I am willing to do. In some situations it is not realistic, but in many it is. All it requires is teamwork, creativity, and the unrelenting perseverance to wake up every morning and do what you love.
Photos by: Natalie Holford


Eliska Bobeeska said...

Olivia is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! And for you my dear, you will figure out what you want and need to do. Just follow your heart. And also remember that YES time is on your side, but you can not get back these short years when your babies are young and changing so fast. The years when YOU are what they want and need most. I'm sure the hormones make you feel stronger this way right now...but listen to your heart. You will never regret it!

Valeria said...

I agree Alisha, and thanks for always sharing your thoughts. Time is on my side in the sense that I can put my career goals on hold for a couple of years and still be young enough to complete them when my babies aren't babies anymore :)