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Friday, May 7, 2010

"Who are you?"

My daughter has recently decided that 5am is an appropriate time for waking up in the morning. Not only does she wake, she wakes us with a bang! Kicking the copper bars of her crib, throwing her paci, or thumping her feet loudly on the mattress. In other words, she wants us to wake up. My brain still remembers the sleep deprived neurosis of a new mother and I always wake up quickly. I gather her up and bring her to bed or I feed her. Sometimes she wants nothing to do with either of these things and I finally find myself sitting on the couch and the sun is slowly starting to rise.
This morning I started having a moment as I was waiting for the sun to come up, a moment that reminded me of the scene from The Breakfast Club when Anthony Michael Hall's nerdy character is trying to write the group's detention paper. This leads to him question who he is, he searches for labels. So I sat asking myself the question, "Who am I?" Not in a lost way, or with any panic. I have known who I am for quite a while but now I am a mother also so where does that leave me? Olivia consumes every aspect of me right now and yet I have to make plans for the future and begin university applications. How am I going to publish a book by the time I am 30 if I cannot sit at the computer and type anything? My MS word documents stay blank, the cursor blinking and mocking me.
Then, the pea stirs and I remember she is sleeping in my lap. I stare at her delicate face: the perfect curve of her nose, the pout of her lips, and the way her long eyelashes grace her chubby cheeks. I am so overwhelmed with devotion. My heart fills with warmth and then it all comes back to me. She is my purpose, she will lead me in the path I need to go. The ultimate muse is a part of me and with her my inspiration grows. My Olivia was the answer all along.

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