Talkin' babies.

2008?

I used to be interesting. My conversations could be about anything from world politics to dissecting The Wall by Jean-Paul Sartre. I'd fill my brain with knowledge, live music almost weekly, and no art show that came to my city went unnoticed. I would juggle a lot. School in the morning, a PR job during the day, and cocktails at night. My life was fun and I did whatever I wanted. Todd and I decided to move to SF. And we did. We made the life we wanted.




Now, I am only semi-interesting if you have a kid. I have traded my reading from existentialism to natural parenting. The other night I was reading a little Dostoevsky on iBooks and when I dozed off after about two minutes my iPhone fell on my face. I notice that most of my conversations revert back to Olivia, or babies in general, pregnancy. I want to diminish this but how? My kidless friends must be bored to death. I am still me, but motherhood is consuming. It's hard to be Valeria + mom. It quickly becomes ValeriaMom. There's an overlap.




I am grateful for the great circle of friends I have made over the years, the same ones who knew me when I was carefree and now know me knocked up plus one. I'd like to think that they still like me the same, and I know they love Olivia. My hope is that they'll stick around long enough for me to be cool again, or maybe I never will be. Possibly they'll find the humor in dancing to Depeche Mode with a 19 month old or the fun of smuggling beer in sippy cups to the beach. I promise not to hand her off if she is crying or smells weird.

I am unapologetically head over heels in love with mothering, with this new role. I'll try to keep it light around them so they don't forget why we became friends in the first place. I look forward getting nights out here and there, dancing and wearing something cute.

But really, the mom gig is the best job I have ever had.

She wears the sun in her hair.

38 weeks.

Today marks 38 weeks out of the 40 allotted to pregnancy. My "due date" is only two weeks away. How is it possible that seems long and short at the same time? I still haven't packed my bag because since Olivia was late I am expecting this baby to take her time, too. She is so low, head in my pelvis, and I am crampy all the time it seems. My body feels ripe and ready but I do not want to get ahead of the game. I've begun to drink raspberry leaf tea and started taking evening primrose oil in hopes that these will help my body get ready for honey's labor whenever that may be. Remember, we are avoiding a repeat cesarean. I am one pregnant busy bee, trying to fill my days with fun and enjoyable activities. Dinners with my parents, lunch with friends, and sunny days at the park with Olivia. At home I am keeping up with housework and just taking any opportunity to keep myself moving. Over the past 9.5 months I have collected the most precious little things for our bitty girl. I keep telling Todd I hope my water breaks and my labor takes off in a super dramatic way like in the movies. I'm trying to be patient.



Dear Honey,

I'll keep this brief. As I have told you before, I cannot wait to see your pretty face. I love how you react to your sister and daddy, how their touch makes you dance around in that big belly of mine. Thing is, even though my belly grew nice and round to accommodate you, you're still bigger than this space. With every turn and kick you severely hurt mama's organs and tailbone. Just keep this in mind next time you pirouette.

I will see you soon.

All of my love,
Mama

Clean diapers make me happy. Have a wonderful weekend :)

Blue Light.

 I miss her when she's sleeping. Especially now that I lay awake at night with pregsomnia. The room is so still and quiet. Every day I'm counting down til bedtime once the evening rolls around, but lately I've noticed how much she adds to my environment. Her sticky fingers grabbing at my face, the constant "mommy, mommy", super close up view of her chubby smiling face when she's always up in my business. Right about now I could use a laugh as she imitates the way I walk in heels, her persistent repetition of a word when she wants something, or the sweetness of her toddlerhood- like saying "bye bath!" and waving at the bubbles and water as I pull her out of the tub. As if she's thanking a good friend for a good time. 

Maybe I don't really want her up right now at midnight. Perhaps I'm just worried I'll miss something as my other arm cradles a newborn. Probably why I have two arms, two ears, two eyes... 

The Wait.

I have a full grown baby living in my body.

Rubber Ducky.

I have written before about having all the ducks in a row, and how my husband and I failed epically at doing so. Instead, our ducks are all different shapes and sizes, completely out of order. Some are double, some are missing entirely. Our life is constantly changing, new circumstances arise and we conquer them. It's no walk in the park to juggle college, kids, jobs, bills- all while trying to retain some youth in our young adulthood. I really can't say I would change much, because how can you say you regret experience? Or learning. Or the forceful education attained from life reminding you that you don't know anything.


The other day we talked about having it all and how there is always something you don't have. If you choose to focus your energy in such a way, it will be easy to find something missing. But how can everything I desire fit into my little life? It's already so full, bursting at the seams in good fortune, staggered with much to be happy for.

Last Resorts.

This is what it has come to. Putting one of the baby's newborn diapers and Olivia's tee on Elmo so that the yellow-haired monster will let me dress her. Some morning my belly is just too big and her leg kicks too frequent to battle. If you can't beat 'em...

Twenty Days.

My due date is exactly twenty days from today. She could come before... or after. But, let's call it twenty days. I decided to celebrate the coming of my other baby girl by cuddling in bed with the older one. When it was time for Olivia's nap we both climbed into our warm and comfy bed. Surrounded by cozy blankets and the sweet smell of her hair, I stayed in my pajamas and read even though it was 1:00pm. I have this thing where I feel like every day I need to wake up with something to do. A play date, or bleach the bathroom, or wash five loads of clothes. Today I decided to just take in my pea and her singularity. The only child. Just one tiny body curled up in the comforter, one little chest breathing up and down, one pair of arms hugging my neck as we doze off.

You have poo on your arm.

This mom job is serious business. I always knew I wanted babies. Someday. They are so cute, and smell good. Their clothes are tiny and adorable. I always loved those little snug fitted jammies and the chubby thighs of my nieces and nephews. Then, Olivia came into the world and I was thrilled. Not only was being a mama wonderful, it was pure sweetness. Pea was such a delightful infant, so happy and easy going.

As I write this Olivia is sitting watching some cartoon on Sprout, fresh out of the bath. Fifteen minutes ago she was flinging poo like a zoo monkey. Five minutes ago she was screaming like the kids I remember seeing out in public that I was so sure I would never have. Every single thing we do recently is a struggle. Have you ever tried to remove a wet toddler from the bath as she fights you to stay in the tub?

Her new found desire for independence means she insists on buckling her own car seat, refuses clothes, takes off her diaper (thus, poo flinging), wants to pee on the big toilet not the baby toilet, and so forth. I want to advocate her intelligence and free will but at the same time I need to set some boundaries. There has to be a middle ground.

Now, I am starting to realize what parenting is really all about. It's not about choosing organic and feeding boobie. Or surviving the newborn phase. Being a mom is trying to do what is best for your child and facing an opposing force. This force being your own kid. This struggle will continue throughout her entire life, and take on many forms. The rebellious child, the rebellious teen, the clueless young adult. Motherhood is not for wussies. Or the faint of heart.

Don't forget the anti-bac.

Wordless Wednesday.

Buenas noches luna.

Last night Olivia decided to cry/scream hysterically from the hours of 9-10pm. It was the sort of hysterics that cause a headache and your nerves feel like nails on a chalkboard with every wail. It all started because I told her it was time to go to bed after we laid together and played an animal sounds game on my iPhone. Usually she's laid back enough to just whine a little if something doesn't go her way, especially if milk and a paci are offered. Sometimes she may have a 45 second tantrum to make sure we know she's pissed. This bedtime session nightmare was of epic frustration of the monster-toddler variety. It was the kind of stuff that would make my kidless friends take a vow of celibacy. In a final act of patience I decided we needed to go for a car ride.

I like driving around our town at night. The streets are so empty, the air smells the cleanest when everything is dark and all the cars are tucked away in their garages. Beach House played on the radio and I let the floaty, dreamy music calm me and the sweet air fill my lungs. It didn't take long for Olivia to doze off and at a stoplight I looked up at the big and beautiful full moon. I felt a strong peace come over me and felt more present within myself than I had in a while. So much of my life is going to change once again. I'm always so prepared for it, my secret talent is quick adaptation. A new life is coming into mine and though I don't know exactly how everything will fall into place I know things will. They always do.

I must thank my daughter for losing her cool... If it weren't for her I wouldn't have had a chance to reflect within myself and greet such a brilliant moon.

Full term.

This weekend was really nice and refreshing. Saturday my mom threw me a baby shower brunch and everything was lovely. My girlfriends and cousins helped out and I felt so loved. They showered me with gifts and laughs. I felt so lucky and grateful to have such wonderful women in my life. That is exactly how I felt after the baby party they threw me for Olivia, too. I ended up exhausted, maybe because I wore heels with my cute dress. I will probably put the heels away neatly in their boxes until after the baby is born.

Beautiful cupcakes baked by my mom and decorated by my godmother/aunt

Cookie pops, party favors!



Sunday my girlfriends and I went out to breakfast and a movie. Again, more laughs and girl talk. My two childhood (and now, adulthood) best friends came to town for the party. Being around them is like being home, wherever we are.


It was a wonderful way to begin this final stretch of pregnancy. This means I am in my 37th week of baby baking. My little girl is full term and could safely make her way into the world tomorrow if she wanted to. There is still so much to do, but I am going to tackle it day by day. I feel a lot more anxious and motivated to get everything done than earlier on. Perhaps it's because my nesting symptoms are in overdrive now as the countdown nears it's end. Olivia's due date came and went and she was nowhere near budging. I have a feeling this baby girl doesn't plan to mimic her sister, she has her own plan. Hopefully it's something like the dreams I keep having!

Sunday, 7:20am.

Sharing fruit snacks.

All gone...

Plural.

Being a mother of two can be very overwhelming. I know it and my #2 is still conveniently living in my belly. My first taste at this new complexity in my life as a parent is stemming from my rightfully needy 18 month old and my pregnancy blahs that make me want to just sit and sip a spiked lemonade. Olivia needs to me to have boundless energy and patience for her and sometimes this can put me in a funk. As I approach my due date my body is really hurting this time around, I feel uncomfortable and fatigued and this affects my hormones. It's all a cycle and the end result is me being eternally grateful for a mom that is so helpful because Todd is so tied up with school and work, too.

I refuse to lament myself for more than a few minutes. Those moments where I am alone in the shower, and I hear Olivia outside whining and look down at an enormous baby bulge and I wonder what the hell am I doing. I feel a desire to cry and feel sorry for myself but I can't. The tears burn behind my eyeballs but something stops me from wishing some things were different, for wishing certain people were different than they are, and yearning for flashbacks of my former life. Maybe the reason I cannot just feel sorry for myself is because I know the person I search for no longer exists, the me I am today is the only one left. This me is stronger and smarter that the one who lived for herself daily and had no one to care for.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Last night as I lay in bed, the baby's movements were stronger than usual. Usually, they are soft and fluid, sometimes abrupt but never the dance parties Olivia used to have. As I finally started to doze off happy to see the crappy day end she kicked me. Hard. Then she did it again. And again. The kicks had a calculated pause in between as if she was waiting to make sure she had my full attention. I brought my hand to my belly skin, the closest I can get to touching her for now, and she seemed to relax. She had gotten my attention, and then started to just lightly move around again. I couldn't help but feel she was trying to tell me something. It was as if she wanted to say, "I will be worth it, mom. I promise."

Mother's Day- 35 weeks

Mother's Day weekend...

Go check us out guest posting over at Monkey and the Bug! So honored :)

Hope all you mamas are getting spoiled! xo

Wordless Wednesday.

Retraction.

My very informal name announcement must be retracted. To spare any further confusion, we will announce the baby's name when she has her official birthday.


Not to keep you in suspense or anything... I just don't quite know her name yet either.

Feels like summer.

I love the fall and I always have.

The leaves, brisk air, the poetic gray days and warm scarves. I love listening to Radiohead on gloomy October mornings and drinking cinnamon infused coffee. I fell in love in the fall, married my love in fall, had my Olivia in the fall. But, then there's the summery San Diego heart that I have. I feel rejuvenated by a toasty day and tanned shoulders. Especially with this huge baby belly, I appreciate a warm day where I can wear a loose and cool dress in comfort.

Sunday I laid out in the backyard while Olivia napped. It was lovely, sipping on watered down iced apple juice, listening to music, and reading Bukowski. I am not naked, but my massive bump hid my bikini bottoms. Yikes.

Yesterday, my favorite blondie and I headed out to the pool.


Though the day was hot the pool wasn't too warm and Olivia seemed to have gotten a little chilly and didn't enjoy it that much. She didn't cry or complain but did seem apprehensive about the whole thing. She kept a firm grip on me the whole time and I took my time enjoying it. Olivia is usually so confident and independent, I will indulge in any moment where my daughter will have her little arms wrapped so tight around me.


She even stayed cozy and still long enough to have a good cuddle session on the lounge chair with me under soft and sweet smelling towels from home.

Second time mom syndrome.

I have collected a lovely collection of stuff for the baby. Sweet little onesies, cute summery rompers, adorable vintage frilly dresses, fluffy newborn diapers, and more. All of Olivia's muslin blankets she no longer uses are neatly tucked away. The boppy lounging chair we used so much is waiting in a corner for her new owner. Colorful wraps to wear her in are braided and ready to hold her safe and close to me. Teeny shoes are patiently sitting on a shelf.

I look at the bags of things I need to organize and I am so exhausted just thinking about it. The drawers I need to label and replenish, the creativity that I will need to accomplish organizing two little girls' wardrobes with limited space, and all the newborn laundry that needs washing. I want everything to be perfect for her arrival but I am drained of the energy to do it.



Baby Honey,

I promise to get everything done before you arrive. Just promise me you won't take too long to get here.

Love,
Your tired mama carrying you everywhere I go + your sister likes to catch a ride, too :)

It's May...

I AM HAVING A BABY NEXT MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I've been looking forward to saying that :p)