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Thursday, June 30, 2011


I was sitting on the bed nursing Mila. Olivia comes in and hops on the bed to say hi to the baby. She starts off gently and then starts grabbing at her little toes a little too roughly. I remind her to be gentle and she doesn't listen. I hate having to scold her about not hurting the baby so finally I just set her off the bed. Olivia walked to the door and turned around with a very serious look on her face. She looked at Mila, then at me, and walked out.

My heart cried a little.

Look at this blog. It is an ode to Olivia. To my first child. It all began in early 2009 when I was pregnant with her and living in San Francisco. This is my love letter to her. If I something happened to me, I would want her to one day read all the entries I typed for her, pouring my love out onto the keys. Every word just flowed out of me, effortlessly, because she consumed me. Number one.

Two years later and now the number one spot is a shared one. My two girls. They both need me so much but in different ways. Olivia is needy because she is free and independent. I must watch her closely or she will be on top of the ceiling fan or splashing around in the toilet. She grows bored easily. Her intelligence is such that she notices EVERYTHING. I know she is comparing Mila to herself. Always in mommy's arms, gets all the blankies, and a shiny new car seat. I still dote on Pea but it's hard to give her 100% because I have a newborn that nurses constantly and is so helpless. Actually, 100% isn't just hard. It's impossible.

I know this is transitive and we will all evolve into a family of four, we will transition together. I am still getting used to having two babies, and hopefully Olivia will realize that she is as mine as she always was. She will forever be my first baby girl. My first true love. But, now Mila is here and I have realized my devotion to my girls is infinite. I have no limit.

I have two arms, two hands, and one really big desire to stretch myself in both directions.

matching dresses

1 comment:

Eliska Bobeeska said...

Oh my heart cries for you. I have heard this story so many times and it's so sad to know that there is no way to give 100% to both. I know that Mothering mag had an amazing article on the topic sometime last year(?) You are doing wonderful, and someday Olivia will never want to imagine life without her sister. I'm so nervous myself about this same thing. Sending peace.