1.5 years old.

My baby girl is one and a half years old today. This has been a beautiful adventure, and watching her grow is such a treat. At this point, Olivia and I have both learned so much but I am pretty sure I have learned the most valuable lessons so far. I don't know how I got so lucky to be her mama, but it's been the greatest blessing in my happy life.

Thanks for Pup, Todd :)

Newborn

6 months old

1 year old

Today

8 month photoshoot.

Natalie and I did another photo session yesterday in the forest-y area of Balboa Park. Although Balboa Park architecture is so well respected and important, that is not the background either one of us envisioned for the shoot. The sun was a little bit on the harsh side but we found some shadows to hide in and even managed to get some photos with the little monster.

It's hard for me to feel comfortable in front of the camera with this huge bump in my front, I just feel a little trapped in this body and need to find myself in this pregnant silhouette. Our final shoot before the baby will include my handsome husband :)

Here are some photos from the shoot. Natalie was wonderful as always.

Happy Easter

Hope your day is bright and colorful :)

image via: Google

Let's have a chat.

Pretty much the coolest thing about being a mom right now is the beginning of actual conversations with my kid. It's seeing that brain of hers grow and grow daily, she learns so fast. I love asking a question and getting an answer, or sensing her thoughts by piecing together baby gibberish and actual words. Olivia chats all day and her tone changes. Angry, excited, happy, frustrated. I cannot wait to ask why she thinks the sky is blue or what she thinks clouds are made of. We will have tea parties and puppet shows.

I am obsessed with watching that plump little berry mouth make words.

8 months pregnant.

Yesterday I signed my VBAC consent form. According to my doctor, I am an ideal candidate and have a 80% chance of success. What a nice little round number. So, I have an 8 out of 10 chance of delivering my second baby girl how nature intended without having to have my body cut open. It means that I have a higher than likely chance of having my baby put on my chest when she is born, that I will not have to go to a recovery room without her, that we can have a skin-to-skin welcome as soon as she comes into the world. I can sing her happy birthday.

This number will only apply to me if my body goes into labor naturally before a deadline. Most likely the deadline will be 41 weeks though I will push for 42. If I do not go into labor naturally then I am out of luck because I refuse another induction and all those nasty drugs that will only end in cesarean anyway. There is really nothing I want more right now than another healthy baby and to not be in that 20% that gets cut up once more. Whenever I get frustrated my insurance won't cover a homebirth, or I feel that my VBAC is really a shot in the dark, I am reminded that what comes out of c-sections isn't so bad.

Actually, it can be wonderful.

And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’
-Kurt Vonnegut

We took a little roadtrip up north after my birthday and it was lovely. A stop in San Jose, a night in San Francisco, and another night in Santa Cruz were the perfect little break from the routine. It was nice to be home and back in my bed. A roadtrip at 8 months pregnant is no joke but Olivia was a dream.

I didn't take many photos. I just wanted to be in the moment, enjoying my family, and making sure Olivia didn't escape her stroller.

Daddy Babywearing

32 weeks pregnant

Tree climing in Santa Cruz

Beautiful Redwoods

Sweet Pea

Happy birthday to me.

I turn 25 today.

Only twenty-five and I am a wife and a mother of two. I don't ever remember feeling so glad to be another year older, hopefully wiser. I feel calm and introspective, both feet planted firmly on the ground. I've always been a dreamer, I was always searching and yearning for more. At thirteen I longed for freedom so I could find my purpose, freedom to be the person I wished I was. There is nothing I wanted more than independence. In old diaries I wrote of escaping to a city rich in art and culture, maybe with a handsome boy and a cat. I'd write and explore and live every day to the fullest. And I did. I did this.

Now everything has been re-purposed and I find myself digging back into my roots. I find courage in my mother's words and happiness in my daughter. Every day I appreciate my husband more and like myself better. I've learned a lot and this only serves to remind me there is still so much I do not know.

I am happy where I am right now. Some things are on hold and some are moving steadily along. Parts of me are in limbo and others are sprouting and so alive. I am happy to still write, embark on small adventures, and wake up joyous to find a brand-new day. Young, ready, strong, naive. Still a dreamer, always a dreamer.

Into the 32nd week.

I want to eat...

green seedless grapes
chocolate chip cookies
cheeseburgers


I crave...
beer.

My belly is enormous. So far, it's the only thing getting super large.

The weeks are going by fast and slow at the same time.

I want to see what my baby girl looks like. I want to hold her.

I hope and wish and daydream about my body going into labor naturally when she's ready.

My body feels sore. Carrying around this big belly is like a workout at the end of the day.

A toddler that likes to be held doesn't help.

Two voices soon. "Mama. Mama. MAMA!!!"

In the meantime...

Extra hugs and kisses for Pea.
Collecting and sorting adorable summer onesies and teeny dresses.
Mini newborn cloth diapers that look like clouds.

We need a bigger bed.

A letter to my daughters.

To describe how I love you would be difficult because it would require me to articulate the way a part of me was born when you were created, an entire portion of my soul that didn't exist before your perfect face. It would be nearly impossible to string words together to adequately explain the way you have moved me, altered me, made me become a better woman simply because you need me to be. Though at times it was daunting, how could the selfish and free spirited person that I was trade it all for a tiny being with lips shaped like a heart? The most magical part of my mothering experience thus far is that not only did you supply me the biggest love I could ever experience, you also gave me the strength and courage to be the best version of myself for you.

After only one year of you filling my new universe with peace and the most pure happiness, my body began to grow and sustain a whole new life. I felt drained and so tired, my thoughts were confused. We didn't feel ready for another extension of our love though your sister planted herself and grew. She needed to come to us though we did not know it yet. Now my belly has blossomed and is now large enough that when I hold you your small body has to wrap around my stomach and so she is always between us even now. I lay with you as you sleep and feel guilty for you and then for her. For you, my first love, because soon our universe's center will shift and you will be forced to share your throne. And for her, because where can I fit so much more in my heart and soul? How could I possibly double all of this devotion?

But I can, and I do, because I have realized that though my body would have birthed and created both of you, you don't really belong to me. Or to daddy. You are meant for each other. Your sister was made for you and you for her. Two individual people coming from the same small place that kept you safe, you pushed against the same skin and enjoyed the same hand trying to feel you daily. But my time will pass and I will one day no longer be your sun or favorite person. You will both expand and become older and must protect each other always.

My only job is to nurture and love you. When we are gone in each other you will find the greatest comfort, your roots. You must be true to your sister, unconditionally no matter what. There will never be another person on this Earth that is more a part of you than her, until you have your own children, and then you will need each other even more. Now I see you so sweet and beautiful little girl, and soon enough we will meet our baby honey. I am content with the knowledge that you two will have each other to lean on and trust.

Never forget, you belong to each other.

Wordless Monday.

Advocacy shirt @ For Crying Out Loud

A sunny morning at the park.

All photos by Natalie @ Urban Housewife Blog.

"Love reduces the complexity of living."

I have said it once and I will say it again: Just as soon as I think I could not love her more, I do.

It's always something simple and seemingly insignificant that makes my insides melt and my arms reach out to grab my daughter and devour her with kisses. Little moments where her big eyes search my face for answers, small hands exploring my face. It has also happened when she is mad and frustrated, and I wish I could understand every made up word she says. Usually it is when she sleeps and her face is like that of an angel, complete with pink cheeks and eyelashes grazing her cheeks.

My hope is that Olivia will know that although she will only get about 20 months of us to herself, she was adored so fully that it's more than some people ever experience in a lifetime. Please don't ever feel cheated of your throne little girl... my heart is yours.

The garden sprite.

I am quickly learning that having a child is the closest we can get to enjoying all the freedom and simplicity that is being a kid. The lack of obligations and responsibilities leaves so much room for creativity and imagination. The world is so huge, so new and full.

Now that the days are getting warmer and a beautiful San Diego spring is near I have been making a point of getting Olivia outside and getting a little dirty. She is not a "girly" girl in the sense of dirt and mud pies. Without knowing what society expects of her, this little girl will happily pick bugs and pet daisies.

Yesterday was gorgeous and we had so much fun hanging out in the backyard, around our blossoming garden. Soon we will be getting a kiddie pool and a sandbox. I am just as excited as Pea will be! She will have such a blast.

1 mama + two bitty girls.