Last night after both babies were asleep Todd and I were watching our Sunday night TV show (Breaking Bad) and I noticed all the back to school commercials. They're aimed to an older college going audience- laptops and fuel economy cars. I mentioned I wish I was starting a new school semester in the fall. New notebooks, professors, lots of lattes and lectures. I felt a twinge of jealousy. He is a full-time student. I put my academic life on hold so he could continue his. Doesn't sound fair, does it?
When you have kids before attaining all your professional and financial goals you have to make deals, sacrifices. In order for Todd to make money and also finish his degree it isn't feasible for me to also go to school full-time. Where would the girls fit in? Well, that's easy. We'd both school and work and put the girls in daycare.
After thinking about it for a minute I realized I cannot resent/envy my husband for getting to go to school. Though he fully supports me continuing my education and career goals he is also supporting my current main goal. This is to be with my daughters. There is no pressure from him to help pay the bills or make sure the house is spotless.
I am sacrificing the university life but gaining my home life. I am not sacrificing the books forever, I just can't. It's too important to me. However, any time Olivia learns a new word or when Mila takes her first steps I will be there. I can't freeze their babyhood and come back to it later. When we can't have it all we have to pick and choose. I chose them.
For a while I worked, thankfully I am good at a thing or two that paid decent and our (then) family of three was living a good (simple) life. But, I hated every morning I would drop Olivia off to my mom or sister. She was fine but the pull was too strong. I know where I needed to be. Who knows what may happen in a year, things may change, but for now this is what we need to be doing. If you have read the blog for a bit you know that ours isn't a cookie cutter life. Things keep coming, some going, and I know that in the grand scheme of our adventure together we will take on many roles. So long as we keep moving toward something... but the girls come first.