For the last month, I have been having several dreams about the birth of the baby girl in my belly. Each one if different, and each has a different outcome. When I have dreams I deliver via c-section again, I wake up panicked. Most of the time, the dreams are about me delivering her naturally and I wake up with a euphoric feeling. There is nothing I want more than a vaginal delivery this time around. Obviously, my subconscious knows this because of all the recurring dreams.
This morning I have been thinking, why have I forgotten that I did have a perfect birth? Sure, they cut me wide open and took Pea out, but it was still perfect. Why? Well, because I was healthy and so was she. Perfect baby girl, fully baked in her mama oven. I healed without a glitch and though it was painful at first, I had no infections or other horror stories. We went home in record time.
There were plenty of things I have wished time and time again were different. And through all this wishing I have put so little emphasis on all the wonderful moments surrounding Olivia's birth. My closest girlfriends and family didn't leave my side, Todd was so gentle and loving to both of us every second, and my mom brought me two pairs of the softest pajamas to wear in the hospital so I could be comfy too. How could I forget how my husband helped me to the bathroom time and time again, never leaving my side, waking up after no sleep to change our new baby's diapers because I couldn't? Or the moments in the hospital bed cuddling with a tiny wrinkly newborn, a precious little face with all the perfect features. I was learning to be a mom, to nurse, and to love in a whole new way.
I still hope for a birth without so much medical intervention this time around, but everything else has been perfect all along. I have to make sure I never forget that.
My friends are... amazing.
I was so swollen from the stupid IV
With Auntie Lu, brand new baby
Learning how to nurse (Yep, that's Todd helping me)
Skin to skin with my Pea. Looking back, we were both brand-new that day.