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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

And still it grows.

Every mother talks about love at first sight, about being born a new woman at the very moment she brings her child into the world. Any mom can say there is nothing sweeter or more heartwarming than your teeny newborn, all wrinkled and sleepy in your arms. My experience on the day Olivia was born was just that- plus a little bit of jealousy toward my husband for helping with her first bath while I was sewn up and also a loneliness waiting in the recovery room without my baby girl. I loved her then, but nothing compares to the overwhelming feelings I have for her now.

No one ever told me how much the adoration would grow, every single day, until it snuck up on me one morning when my child is one year and three months and it's almost shocking. Now I know what it is to say you would cut off your own limb for someone, that sense of staggering fear when you lose glimpse of your child for just a second in a crowded place, or the selfless devotion as you lay awake for the 3rd night in a row because your little one has her first bad cold. It's the vigilance of the day to day routine, the constant reminder you're molding a person for life, the ridiculous excitement that comes from the first poo in the toilet or the way my heart felt after "mama!" and a real deal hug.

Perhaps no one ever adequately described what mothering really encompasses because it's nearly impossible. It's trying to describe a love that transcends any other, that goes beyond words and my own ability to comprehend its immensity. All I can do is use this love to keep me strong and patient, without forgetting for a second that this little person is watching my every move and action. Also, that this big love emanates from me and covers her with the knowledge and security that she is so special and dear to the world, that to us she is everything.