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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Bad Mother.

Since I was a little girl I could picture my future, and that future never involved me playing housewife and raising a bunch of kids. And now, my thoughts remain the same. I am so undomesticated, I make the women in my family cringe. During my pregnancy I read a lot of books on childbirth, child psychology, etc. The book that stood out among the rest is a book by Ayelet Waldman called Bad Mother. I understood and embraced her perspective before Olivia was even born. When I became pregnant I knew I was different, I was altered when the pea began to grow inside of me. I was somehow more complete because her existence brought new purpose to my life, but even before this new niche was introduced I knew there was another one all along. I often find myself questioning, "Am I a bad mother?" Because sometimes I want to spend the whole day alone, away from everyone? Because I want to enjoy my partner without mention of our small child at least for a little while? Or is it because I hate cooking, and find the company of most other "mommies" to be endlessly boring? No one loves their baby more than I love mine, but I find this great dichotomy within myself. Can I still be all that I once wanted and at the same time be a truly wonderful mother to this amazing little being?