Since Monday Olivia has:
-Given herself a bath in sunscreen
-A bath in rash cream
-Made scrambled eggs on the kitchen floor
-Dragged my dad's old pug for a walk by his hind legs
-Thrown off her shirt and used my nipple shield to nurse her Ugly Doll
-Pointed out seven letters of the alphabet
-Sat in her doll's stroller with poop on her butt
-Screamed so loud my ears rang for 15 minutes
-Made me want to cry out of defeat when I looked at her laying on the floor, writhing in the throes of a colossal tantrum
-Eaten five crayons
-Said "I la yoo"
-Put on my heels and walked like our mini hallway was her runway
-Said one thousand things I cannot understand with those round hazel eyes
-Chugged my special $4 espresso while I texted her daddy
-Created dreadlocks out of her buttery yellow curls with ketchup
-"Sang along" to Elliott Smith
-Made me smile so big my cheeks hurt
Soon I hope to publish a best-selling guide to surviving the toddler years that Oprah herself recommends but for now I will settle for my cheap shiraz from Trader Joe's and repeat caffeination throughout the day.
puts on own shoes. doesn't need a mom.
Aged two years next month