In the past year since going back to work, I have put every personal growth category I have into full force except this one. My words and my writing. This little blog is so important to me. It holds so much of my metamorphosis- my decision to trade freedom for motherhood. If I were to perish tomorrow I would hope that these entries would be printed for my girls. So far, this is what I have going for them. My unrelenting attempts to be enough mother for their present and future.
Some may be alarmed at my comparison of freedom and motherhood. And frankly, I think these words to be antonyms. There is nothing free about motherhood. Motherhood created a knot that can never unwound, no matter what. And I have two. Freedom means you are a free bird, fluttering in the wind, time is at your disposal, no binds to anything or anyone. I have two.
Social media makes reminders. Reminders that most people I know have completely mapped out their procreation. The birth dates, the nurseries, the chemical free paint, the Harvard preschools. I have no jealousy, just reminders. My husband and I did not plan but we created. We create the home, even if we don't own it yet. The blankets were fluffed and ready. Todd even built the crib. We prepared as we had to. Sometimes five steps behind... usually ten. Moving earnestly forward to fulfill goals and trying not to lose sight of our dreams. The ones we felt deeply before the thought of family ever existed.
Now as my girls grow I am more reminded of this. Olivia and Mila deserve everything. So I try harder. Every day I try and fail and sometimes succeed at perfecting myself to my fullest potential. Mind, body, spirit. I remind myself of this every damn day. It's consuming. So after the laundry, job, bedtime stories, workout, time alone, playdates.... My words are left behind. But. I need them.
I need to spill over this keyboard so that in 15 years my kids can read this and know that their unprepared parents love them from here to the furthest known universe and back one million times. My silly blog posts transcend every shortcoming because in them is the most raw and exposed time capsule. Here I am right now, little more than a month from my LITTLE PEA turning FOUR. This blows my mind into every direction. Almost half a decade. A love so big I still do not know how it fits into my body. And then it doubled. So here I am... Loving you much bigger than I will ever be. Always.