"I want one!"

We were riding the MUNI bus in San Francisco last month and Mila was sitting in my lap, on a particularly sunny day for the city. She was happy and feeling good, excited by the new sights and warm sun. A couple sat across from us and they both admired her chubby face and whispered to each other. I overhead the male half say to his wife/girlfriend/lover/partner "See? Let's have one!" She patted his knee and said, "We'll see." I always remember that because he gazed at Mila so longingly, usually it's the female begging for babies.



My girls are an interesting mix lately. Mila is so quiet and shy, her smiles are big and come suddenly. They spread across her face slowly and are accompanied by drool and her one dimple. She's so easy going and sweet, observant. Olivia is a tornado of a child. She never stops moving, talking, doing. Even while watching Sesame Street and being still for a few minutes I can look at her face and her eyes are recording everything. ABCs, numbers, songs she can sing later. She shocks us daily with her memory and awareness.

When certain people are around my girls, depending what kind of day we are having, they comment on how they make them want babies. How they're cute and fun, so cuddly. Mila is good for kissing and Olivia is a reminder of the dynamic nature of childhood- fun but tiring. My cousin held Mila a lot today and I could see her imaging her own baby in her arms, her natural female biology reminding her that she will love being a mother. I am surprised when I am so quick to encourage her to wait, to sigh at the thought. Mothering is a firm kick in the ass.



Let me be more clear. Before you become a mom, be prepared to:

• Not mind an audience while you use the restroom.
• Never sleep the same again. No, not even when your kid is two.
• Realize your daughter also likes Depeche Mode and dance with her in a way that is markedly less attractive than how you used to dance at the bar.
  
• Deal with constant judgement from others on how you suck and they did it better.
• Literally have your heart no longer belong to you.
• Have boobs that make food.
  
• Be too tired to take off your mascara.... that you put on two days ago.
• Spend too much time at the park.
• Laugh. Hard.
  
• Have more activities planned out for your toddler than yourself.
• Wonder if you're a bad mom if you want a glass of wine at noon.
• Actually, wonder if you're a bad mom often.
• Fear that scolding your toddler out of frustration will cost you lots of therapist bills when she turns 13.
• Get annoyed with your husband for doing this to you.
• Loving your husband more when you see him in your pretty babies.
• Never look the same naked again.
• Wear the same dress twice and buy your girls new outfits for the party instead.
• Not recognize yourself sometimes.
• Test everything you thought you knew. Question you.
  
• Love so deeply it hurts. Melt so profoundly. Feel so lucky to be "mommy" to the little humans who think the sun sets in your eyes.
  

(... More to be added.)