Clueless that her face was all over the place...
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
See.
Then there is that moment where you realize you have two daughters. The realization left me feeling like someone had thrown ice water on my face while I was asleep. Suddenly, I was super alert and horrified.
There are so many implications when raising females in our society. I want to cultivate in them a sense of confidence, courage, and humility. It is a delicate balance between three extremely important attributes. Then, all this pondering just reminded me that before I can expect my daughters to grow up with these characterisitcs I have to cement them into my own persona.
I have to to admit that having children has created "body image" issues that I had never had before. It is because I accepted the life I was creating, I accepted the gorgeous blossoming belly, but I hadn't accepted the aftermath. I dieted. I ran 40 miles in a week at one point. I fit back into old jeans, my scale told me I was back to my previous size. But, I was ever the harsh critic. My skin looked different, my stomach had prints from motherhood. I wanted to feel in a bikini like I had at 21.
Today something shifted as I was watching Olivia serenade me (as per usual). She recently decided to take her art scissors to her bangs and completely butchered them. It seemed as if the stars aligned and I suddenly had all of the clarity in the world. I saw her funny bangs, as does everyone else. But, her face is just as beautiful. Her spirit is just as vibrant. The effects of growing up had not altered her magic. And then it made perfect sense. She has taught me yet another lesson.
(Feeling fantastic after her self-makeover.)
I am not supposed to look the same. Everything about me is different and more spread out. My mind, my heart, my intentions. Everything I do is no longer about me and this body has housed this version of me that is far superior to any younger version. Now with pride I can really look at these hips and remember I housed my two tiny bits of the future. It is my responsibility to ensure they make our world better without focusing on frivolous hangups. Now, I must nourish every facet of their worth without wasting time on silly things like choppy bangs and stretch marks.
There are so many implications when raising females in our society. I want to cultivate in them a sense of confidence, courage, and humility. It is a delicate balance between three extremely important attributes. Then, all this pondering just reminded me that before I can expect my daughters to grow up with these characterisitcs I have to cement them into my own persona.
I have to to admit that having children has created "body image" issues that I had never had before. It is because I accepted the life I was creating, I accepted the gorgeous blossoming belly, but I hadn't accepted the aftermath. I dieted. I ran 40 miles in a week at one point. I fit back into old jeans, my scale told me I was back to my previous size. But, I was ever the harsh critic. My skin looked different, my stomach had prints from motherhood. I wanted to feel in a bikini like I had at 21.
Today something shifted as I was watching Olivia serenade me (as per usual). She recently decided to take her art scissors to her bangs and completely butchered them. It seemed as if the stars aligned and I suddenly had all of the clarity in the world. I saw her funny bangs, as does everyone else. But, her face is just as beautiful. Her spirit is just as vibrant. The effects of growing up had not altered her magic. And then it made perfect sense. She has taught me yet another lesson.
(Feeling fantastic after her self-makeover.)
I am not supposed to look the same. Everything about me is different and more spread out. My mind, my heart, my intentions. Everything I do is no longer about me and this body has housed this version of me that is far superior to any younger version. Now with pride I can really look at these hips and remember I housed my two tiny bits of the future. It is my responsibility to ensure they make our world better without focusing on frivolous hangups. Now, I must nourish every facet of their worth without wasting time on silly things like choppy bangs and stretch marks.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Cheddar hiatus.
(All photos on this post by Natalie Holford.)
After a blur of months from September-January I am on a hiatus from my work. When I say blur that is literally what I envision when I look back. A 6AM alarm clock, hurried shower, clothes thrown onto my body and my kids' bodies, chugs of coffee, quick drop-off at daycare kisses.
But, we did it. We got a flow. My gut literally twisted at fleeting moments of the day and I am sure my girls had moments of "WTF where is my mom?" but we did good. There was a routine. We had our chaotic daddy-cooked family dinners and I folded my body into Olivia's mini bed for a story most nights. Then there was that phase in December where I was away far too many hours. And there were tears.
Now I find myself with no set schedule in hand and shock of the switch is staggering. I mean, I wake up and stare at two pairs of large, expectant eyes and I wonder- How did I spend so much time away from you? And before that, how did I spend so much time with you? There must be a manual somewhere.
So, here I find myself. With polar opportunities once again. The comfort and the sacrifice. A few doors are open but how to choose? I have no idea what is the next step that will suit us best but for now I guess there will be many park days, random explorations of the backyard, and moments where I will miss where I was when I was missing them.
After a blur of months from September-January I am on a hiatus from my work. When I say blur that is literally what I envision when I look back. A 6AM alarm clock, hurried shower, clothes thrown onto my body and my kids' bodies, chugs of coffee, quick drop-off at daycare kisses.
But, we did it. We got a flow. My gut literally twisted at fleeting moments of the day and I am sure my girls had moments of "WTF where is my mom?" but we did good. There was a routine. We had our chaotic daddy-cooked family dinners and I folded my body into Olivia's mini bed for a story most nights. Then there was that phase in December where I was away far too many hours. And there were tears.
Now I find myself with no set schedule in hand and shock of the switch is staggering. I mean, I wake up and stare at two pairs of large, expectant eyes and I wonder- How did I spend so much time away from you? And before that, how did I spend so much time with you? There must be a manual somewhere.
So, here I find myself. With polar opportunities once again. The comfort and the sacrifice. A few doors are open but how to choose? I have no idea what is the next step that will suit us best but for now I guess there will be many park days, random explorations of the backyard, and moments where I will miss where I was when I was missing them.
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