A little pea came along...

7 months.

2012-01-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

I cannot even believe I am posting this. My Mila will be 7 MONTHS OLD on Tuesday. Unreal. Baffling. She is closer to 1 than 0. It feels like just yesterday I was blogging about her with a baby bump keeping me from getting too close to the keyboard.

She is so lovely, so sweet.

My letters to her were always address to "Baby Honey" since she didn't have an official name. How did I know that Honey would be so fitting? She is like sugar, smells like sweetness, her hair is the color of honey. I would eat her up if I could.

Size: She wears 9-12 clothing lately, although some 6-9 fits also. She is long, not sure exactly what her height is. She weighs around 17lbs. (I looked back, and this is what Olivia weighed at her 9-10 month check-up).

Milestones: She sits, grabs what she wants, rolls, vocalizes, lots of raspberries, smiles, laughing, coos, dinosaur noises. Still not even close to crawling. Recognizes those she sees daily, extraordinarily attached to me, thinks her sister is hilarious. Definite stranger anxiety. Mila is a mama's girl because mama has the goods.

Food: Still exclusively breastfed. Now that we have it down, without any shields or issues, I am enjoying it so much. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting to nurse, or laying to nurse. I guess there is just nothing more relaxing than her warm body pressed against mine as I provide her all the comfort and nutrition she could possibly wants. I've become one of those moms who says I LOVE BREASTFEEDING. And I do.

She hates solids. Practically gags. I have tried several things but I am in no huge rush. Honey's thriving on my milk and that is good enough for me.

Sleep: I have to say, but I am hesitant to jinx it. Okay, I will tell you anyway. She is SO EASY to put down at night. For 7 months, we have had seamless bedtimes. Yes, we cosleep and she still nurses throughout the night but I can put her down around 7pm and she just drifts off to sleepy land. We lay down, I nurse her, and that is it. What a blessing! No super long naps during the day, just sporadic cat naps.

People often comment on her extremely calm and easy demeanor. She is a bit shy, reserved. Analyzes and studies the world. Listens intently. In my opinion she is the poster child of an attached, breastfed baby that gets to be with her mom all day. Best thing ever: The giggle fits the girls have. Mila gets a kick out of Olivia, and Olivia gets a kick out of Mila giggling. It's contagious.

I love them so much I could burst.

Weavers.

2012-01-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight I braided Olivia's hair. For the first time ever. She was distracted by cotton balls and nail polish but that is not the point. Tears grew warm at the corners of my eyes before I even noticed them.

Why would I get so emotional about two honey colored braids? Just strands of hair woven together. Her petite body sitting on my lap, on the closed toilet seat. It was far more significant than what it appeared to be. Just writing about it now brings back that same overwhelmed feeling. I remember my mom braiding my own freshly washed hair, my body so relaxed after the warm bath. I sort of just melted into her as we sat there. All I knew was what was apparent. Me, my mom, my wet hair between her fingers. I never considered all the things that surely ran through her mind. Life, work, money, bills, expectations.

I was so moved by tonight because it is a metaphor for this next stage of my mothering. I have realized that having a baby is relatively easy. It's the parenting a young human that gets challenging, it's rememering the person you are trying to create admist the world you trying to swim through. I have to consiously remind myself: I have two little women under my wings. I must teach them to fly, freely but with standards. Intelligent yet objective. Femenine but capable. Aware but always sympathetic.

There are moments where the sheer responsibility of creating two humans who are happy without psychological therapy and pharmaceuticals as adults is enough to make me pour a drink. Literally. The only survival mechanism I have perfected thus far is to live within the day, the moment. To take in the current warmth of her tiny legs against mine, the wet strands of her yellow hair in my palms as I weave two sweet yet imperfect braids.

Lately...

2011-12-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."

2011-12-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

It's such a true compliment when someone says that I handle mothering well, that I always seem "together". It's the sort of simple thing someone says that I want to grab straight out of the air and stick in my back pocket, so I can bring it out on the tougher days. My laid-back nature comes from the fact that I gave up wanting to plan and control. I cut myself slack and just remind myself to be the best me every single day. I don't have to be perfect or have it all figured out, but if I did the best I could for my two daughters that day, then I sleep well... interruptions and way-too-early wake up calls considered. I always tell my husband that we are going to have a good life because we want it and are going to do what it takes to have it. "Joy is a decision."

Choose to be happy.

When O starts to drive me crazy we start a dance party. Here she is rocking out to Foster the People.

Olivia's 3rd December.

2011-12-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

TV toppers

It's one of my favorite months of the year already. I am enjoying these three days we've had of December so far. Christmas decor is going up, holiday music is playing at the grocery store, and the girls are so fun to dress is warm and soft, colorful layers.

X-mas diaper

Olivia and Mila are still very young, but I need to start practicing our little family's holiday traditions now. We are building their perception of Christmastime, the mold of the most exciting time of year. I know lots of people my age who aren't very into the spirit, who focus on the negative aspects. For me, the holidays have always been about that fuzzy feeling. The glitter, mountains of marshmallows in snowman mugs, anticipation.

Wooden nativity set

Even though I am now an adult, and see the marketing schemes surrounding this time of year, I still feel that same fuzzy vibe. I remember how it felt to experience this being a kid, the magic of it is still so tangible. That's what I am shaping for my girls, those are the memories I am creating.

Cozy babes at December Nights/Balboa Park

"I want one!"

2011-11-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

We were riding the MUNI bus in San Francisco last month and Mila was sitting in my lap, on a particularly sunny day for the city. She was happy and feeling good, excited by the new sights and warm sun. A couple sat across from us and they both admired her chubby face and whispered to each other. I overhead the male half say to his wife/girlfriend/lover/partner "See? Let's have one!" She patted his knee and said, "We'll see." I always remember that because he gazed at Mila so longingly, usually it's the female begging for babies.

My girls are an interesting mix lately. Mila is so quiet and shy, her smiles are big and come suddenly. They spread across her face slowly and are accompanied by drool and her one dimple. She's so easy going and sweet, observant. Olivia is a tornado of a child. She never stops moving, talking, doing. Even while watching Sesame Street and being still for a few minutes I can look at her face and her eyes are recording everything. ABCs, numbers, songs she can sing later. She shocks us daily with her memory and awareness.

When certain people are around my girls, depending what kind of day we are having, they comment on how they make them want babies. How they're cute and fun, so cuddly. Mila is good for kissing and Olivia is a reminder of the dynamic nature of childhood- fun but tiring. My cousin held Mila a lot today and I could see her imaging her own baby in her arms, her natural female biology reminding her that she will love being a mother. I am surprised when I am so quick to encourage her to wait, to sigh at the thought. Mothering is a firm kick in the ass.

Let me be more clear. Before you become a mom, be prepared to:

Not mind an audience while you use the restroom.
Never sleep the same again. No, not even when your kid is two.
Realize your daughter also likes Depeche Mode and dance with her in a way that is markedly less attractive than how you used to dance at the bar.
Deal with constant judgement from others on how you suck and they did it better.
Literally have your heart no longer belong to you.
Have boobs that make food.
Be too tired to take off your mascara.... that you put on two days ago.
Spend too much time at the park.
Laugh. Hard.
Have more activities planned out for your toddler than yourself.
Wonder if you're a bad mom if you want a glass of wine at noon.
Actually, wonder if you're a bad mom often.
Fear that scolding your toddler out of frustration will cost you lots of therapist bills when she turns 13.
Get annoyed with your husband for doing this to you.
Loving your husband more when you see him in your pretty babies.
Never look the same naked again.
Wear the same dress twice and buy your girls new outfits for the party instead.
Not recognize yourself sometimes.
Test everything you thought you knew. Question you.
Love so deeply it hurts. Melt so profoundly. Feel so lucky to be "mommy" to the little humans who think the sun sets in your eyes.

(... More to be added.)

2011-11-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

Few things are truer than...

"Life is what you make of it."

repeat.repeat.repeat.

Her hobbies/interests.

2011-11-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

If either one of my girls were asked to fill out a questionnaire listing their hobbies/interests this is what their respective papers would read:

Miss Olivia Simone-
Running, jumping, the word "no", waking up too early, crazy giggle fits, eating broccoli and stolen pieces of gum, going to the park, invading the personal space of other children, styling her own outfits, wearing boots, crunching leaves, passionate fits of rage, "holding" her little sister, watching Peppa the Pig on Youtube, taking baths, the ABCs, knowing the Sesame Street gang by name and importance of character, going to Costco with my parents, reminding me that patience is indeed virtuous.

Miss Mila Isabel-
Sucking on both fists simultaneously, cooing at the fan, milk, President of the I Hate My Carseat Club, midnight buffets, cursing tummy time, rolling over when mom isn't looking, sister's toys, loud bah bah bahs at 7:00am, warm baths, napping on our park blanket in the autumn sunshine.

Mila's hobbies/interests are remarkably shorter. She hasn't caught up yet.

"Money hinders creativity."

2011-11-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

I daydream to a fault. I often have to remind myself: This is real life. I look at my daughters over my XL mug of coffee and there's beautiful music in the background and their shining faces. I smile and feel all warm and fuzzy because of their sweetness. Then- reality sets in and I realize Olivia is stealing sips out of my mug and Mila pooped on her bouncy chair. How do you keep ebf poo contained?!?!?!?

An adjustment period has finally come to a normal rhythm and I am now used to our new and improved budget. By new I mean smaller and by improved I mean that I have (almost) gotten used to this whole frugal living thing. I decided to share my experiences by category. If there is anything else you want to hear about then h o l l a.

Food
We do a lot of raw produce from natural food grocery stores like our local Sprouts (Boney's, Henry's). These places tend to carry a lot of local produce at real fair prices, and organic is a fraction less than Whole Foods or even Safeway. Trader Joe's carries our snacks, pastas, and any frozen stuff. Really, thanks jeebus for TJ's. Here I can indulge in a really nice cheese and accompany it with a $3 bottle of shiraz. Olivia loves steamed veggies (see: broccoli) and a little pasta/indian on the side.

Clothing
I am so thankful for my tenure in upscale retail. I have some nice pieces I wear over and over (a good pair of jeans, boots, flats, jacket) and wear them with cheap tops and accesories from Target and Forever 21. If I have extra cash I will drop it at the Anthropolgie sale rack. If you are local to San Diego I will share my secret since I can't afford to indulge on the regular anymore: Anthropologie at the Otay Ranch mall has the best sale rack. Ever.

Throw on jeans instead of sweats and you will look like you tried.

Beauty
Wear under eye concealer, lip balm, and curl your lashes. It's crazy how effortless this is and yet it makes a paramount difference. Some of the other moms at the playground still give me the narrow eye as if I were wearing falsies and towering in stilettos. Girl, you shoulda at least splashed cold water on your face.

Kid's Clothes
Target, target, target. Such cute stuff at a small price. Also, thrifting. I have found the sweetest vintage dresses and cardigans at the Goodwill for $2. Be creative! If you sew, MAKE STUFF. My favorite clothing that the girls have is handmade stuff. Take a trip to Joann's and get crafty. I need to take my own advice on that last part.

Diapers and formula
Breastfeed and cloth diaper.

Fun time
I love packing snacks/PB&J and going on picnics. It's free and always a hit. It gets us out of the house without breaking the bank.
Neighborhood walks.
Window shopping the malls.
Story time at the local library.
Free day at the museums (look them up)
Mamas cafes
Local playdates from meetup.com (try it)

Sometimes I miss certain things but then I remember that happiness comes from loving what you have. Happiness is in the little things. This has never rung more true. Notice those little details and find the joy in them. We listen to good music, have warm food in our bellies, take everything our city has to offer, and indulge in culture. I cannot put a price on being home with my kids every single day.

Hermanitas.

2011-11-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

Olivia made Mila finally let out that first real chuckle that she hasd been holding onto for at least two months now. She smiles and coos and makes funny gasping sounds but hadn't truly giggled until the other day when we were at Target. Olivia is so in love with her little sister and likes to get right in her face. She smiles, chats, smells her. Little sister doesn't mind one bit. Mila was smiling at her all big and Olivia had her nose to her nose. Olivia laughed at the sweetness of our wee Mila and this tickled her so much. Miss M started to giggle which only made Olivia laugh more. Giggle fest ensued. I wish I had it on video but my eyes were too cloudy with the tears of joy I felt, savoring such a precious moment.

We love Halloween!

2011-10-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here eating my kid's candy and I feel so happy. It is such a blessing to relive the greatest moments of childhood through my girls. Olivia had a lot of fun with her cousins and daddy tonight trick or treating. She is getting a hang of how things work in the world and it is such a blast to see. Mila just walked and looked around in my arms with her sweet bunny ears and pink tutu. I am just so excited for all the Halloweens we have to look forward to!

Hope yours was a blast as well! Enjoy our crappy iPhone flash photos xo!

Yes, we're here!

2011-10-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

I guess there is a trend with me being a bad blogger in the month of October. I did it last year, too!

October is a busy month.

This year in October we had our one year wedding anniversary, we went to SF and saw PORTISHEAD, Olivia turned two, and tomorrow is our first Halloween with our two girls :) BUSY.

Happy anniversary to us.

Happy birthday sweet girl.

I saw one of my favorite bands live in one of my favorite cities.

I promise I will be back with a fun post full of pictures. In the meantime, come check out our guest post over at a blog I am all about- Milk-Friendly!

San Francisco

I baked for my birthday girl

Headed to the Halloween carnival at the school daddy and grandma went to!

Libre.

2011-10-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

The weeks are flying. I mean, tomorrow it's Monday and I will wake up to Friday. Perhaps that is the way it goes when there is so much going, going, going. One thing that is for certain about motherhood is that you are so immersed into another being that is growing like a weed, you start to realize your own age is incrementing just as quickly.

I have made a conscious choice to savor every moment we spend doing not much of anything. I have this fire burning inside me to create-explore-become but really I need to extinguish it with the reality that right now I am every bit a mother. I smell Olivia's hair every single time she will sit in my lap for more than a second, I relish in Mila tiny hands cupping her mama milk cup, and I try to plan fun adventures for us that will bring that light into O's eyes. Tall trees, play structures, animals, wide open spaces where she can run. I can wait for me.

Last night we had a "family" dinner at our close friend's house and after Mila was set down to sleep Olivia was still up and hanging out with all the adults. She is so aware of the surroundings. Dancing, singing, laughing, a mini sous-chef for the guys preparing our yummy meal. Our blondie is so much fun and I cannot wait keep exploring the world the way she sees it. So large, exciting, lacking constraints. She is so free.

Coronado, CA 10/11

Let's talk food.

2011-10-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

The husband and I have an unspoken agreement on who does what around here. It's not set in stone or anything but with our juggle of duties it's really nice that we're all hands on deck. This semester Todd literally has one day off a week, and that day off is crammed with family fun time, his studying, running errands, shopping, and recently to my dismay: football.

This new jam-packed schedule has put me in quite the predicament. I have to do the cooking. Some days, it's all three meals. You may be shocked, but no, I do not enjoy cooking. I love good food, I just do not get all stoked on slaving away in the kitchen. Baking, sure. Cooking every meal Olivia and I eat- blah. Todd wears the chef hat around here and he wears it well.

So, the issue here is a mama who isn't a kitchen whiz like my own mama is and a toddler with a discerning palate. She squeals in delight over sushi, broccoli, and gouda but turns her nose at chicken nuggets and any other food that isn't colorful. She's bored with my easy, safe dishes and I need some ideas.

In other words- SHARE YOUR TODDLER FRIENDLY RECIPES PLEASE. What do you make for your kids?

Mila- 3.5 months

2011-10-05T00:09:00.001-07:00

Mila honey is growing too quickly and I am just so against that. Every morning we lay in bed while she nurses and I really savor those moments. Todd takes Olivia into the living room when she wakes up and they get to hang out and watch Sesame Street while I get to spend some quality time with my sweet girl. We cosleep but I feel this morning session we have is really the only time of day Mila gets me to herself. Our days center around getting Olivia out and about. She's so high energy and easily bored that Mila is no stranger to toddler playmates, dozens of parks in San Diego, and mama cafes.

She's so alert and inquisitive. Her gaze is penetrating and her eyes are just stunning. I look back on posts I wrote to her when I was still pregnant and it is surprising how similar her spirit is to what I pictured. Calm and easy going. But, when she gets upset the only person who can calm her is me. This is hard seeing how I have Olivia to tend to also but I'll hold on to this fleeting phase of me being all she needs.

Eat: Still nursing quite frequently... Every 1-3 hours but only once during the night since she was only about six weeks old. Goes down easy, nurses to sleep around 8:30pm, eats around 4-5am and would sleep in a good while if only her sister would let us. I rarely pump and she hates the bottle so straight from the tap it is. Still slowly weaving off the shield but the LC I speak to weekly says we are doing great so I'm not stressing.

Size: 3-6 month clothing... 3 month width and 6 month size length. She is long and lean but has the cutest pudge in her cheeks, legs, and elbows. Weighs around 12.10-13lbs (7.10 at birth).

Skills: Hates tummy time. Lots of smiling. Cooing and vocalizing a lot. I'm still waiting for a belly laugh.

Favorite things: Eating, ceiling fans, sister's crazy antics, people talking to her and saying her name, the colors of the TV.

Hates: Car seat, bottles, strangers holding her.

I cannot believe that at this time last year she was but a cluster of cells I didn't even know about.

Optimistic.

2011-10-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

One may think that a mother of two (still under two) should have plenty of blog writing material. I mean, there's those milestones and late nights up, sleep patterns and word counts. These posts are absent around these parts because the days are too short. Too quick. The day begins and I am trying to savor my cup of coffee while Olivia declares her state of independence in a language I can only sort of decipher. Mila coos and smiles, her eyes get larger daily. Whirlwinds.

My blog lacks daily posts and fluidity. I am all over the place. Every single morning I consciously lay in the first couple of minutes upon waking, while scooting Mila closer for her morning feeding, and I plan our day. The day is planned depending on the weather, my mood, and the day of the week. Playdates, activities, park days abound but it seems trivial to post photos of Olivia on yet another swing. Do you really care how many times little M wakes per night?

Life has kicked me square in the ass and I took the hint. I am aware that my plate is full and I fill it more. I've chosen to surround my girls and me with everything our city has to give. The brilliant sun that never seems to falter, endless parks to discover, and good music. Creativity gets us through the day to day and inspires us. Others inspire me and I inspire them. I hope.

Fall.

2011-09-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

Pictures are so important because they serve as the strongest reminders. Even our memories can falter because a photo captures a moment from the outside, in a way that is sort of general and all encompassing.

I was unwinding tonight while listening to music and going through photos from this time last year. Only one year and our world has shifted again. Some situations last year were trying. I was working more than I wanted to, our apartment sucked, and we learned of our new surprise bun in the oven now formally known as Mila Isabel.

From looking at these photos I realized how short Olivia's now long golden curls are, how peaceful I looked even while I suffered through first trimester morning sickness, and how beautiful and delicate the light filtered through our former kitchen window. Our faces were bright and smiling.

My head remembers some unpleasant details of last October but these photos say otherwise- the small moments. Pumpkin seeds baking in the oven, the day we got married, cinnamon candles, our first little girl taking her first steps, brisk air, hoodies.

Last autumn we fell into the next big step.

Unedited. These photos may be repeats. All taken with my iPhone.

A photo of a photo.

2011-09-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

Are these two really mine? Wow.

2011-09-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with Olivia it was a no-brainer that I would breastfeed. During my pregnancy I embarked on a journey to educate myself on a more natural and sustainable lifestyle... and that of course lead me to natural parenting resources as well. Breastfeeding is at the forefront of attached, "green" parenting and I failed. Olivia received breastmilk for about 4-5 months thanks to my friend donating her overages of pumped milk to us. But, she was primarily formula fed. I had latching and supply issues but tried for the first couple months anyway. I pumped. I cried. I cursed all the reasons why I think I failed.

c-section
hospital nurses
flat nipples
supplementing
new mom fatigue
low supply
fussy baby
Not all women can breastfeed, just make her a bottle.

Fast forward to Mila and I knew I had to get it right this time. I bugged my doctors to let me nurse right after my c-section, I didn't give her a bottle or paci even when my nipples almost fell off, and I fed her throughout the night while everyone else in our home slept. I questioned the importance of it.

Saturday was one of my best friend's going away dinner and I had to be there. The location wasn't baby appropriate (nope, not even a baby in a sling) so Mila stayed with Todd and the pumped milk in the fridge. I dolled up, wore my new Missoni for Target heels, and ventured off on my first "night out". As soon as my cocktail arrived I reached into my clutch and checked my phone. Missed calls and frustrated texts. "Mila is upset and will not take the bottle."

My night out was over but somehow I did not feel too stressed. It was a bummer to have to leave after 20 minutes but I was shocked at how unphased I was. I love my kids but I also enjoy a couple drinks with friends. As I drove home it dawned on me. Mila was three months and one day, plump and growing quickly on her diet of boob milk. We did it. She is exclusively breastfed. No bottle or pacifier can calm her more than her mama's arms and everything that she can find in them.

I succeeded.

3 months old.

2011-09-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

Mila has come and stole our hearts with her huge eyes and that drooly little smile. She has a dimple on her right cheek and adds so much sweetness to the day.

Antics.

2011-09-07T22:36:00.001-07:00

Since Monday Olivia has:

-Given herself a bath in sunscreen
-A bath in rash cream
-Made scrambled eggs on the kitchen floor
-Dragged my dad's old pug for a walk by his hind legs
-Thrown off her shirt and used my nipple shield to nurse her Ugly Doll
-Pointed out seven letters of the alphabet
-Sat in her doll's stroller with poop on her butt
-Screamed so loud my ears rang for 15 minutes
-Made me want to cry out of defeat when I looked at her laying on the floor, writhing in the throes of a colossal tantrum
-Eaten five crayons
-Said "I la yoo"
-Put on my heels and walked like our mini hallway was her runway
-Said one thousand things I cannot understand with those round hazel eyes
-Chugged my special $4 espresso while I texted her daddy
-Created dreadlocks out of her buttery yellow curls with ketchup
-"Sang along" to Elliott Smith
-Made me smile so big my cheeks hurt

Soon I hope to publish a best-selling guide to surviving the toddler years that Oprah herself recommends but for now I will settle for my cheap shiraz from Trader Joe's and repeat caffeination throughout the day.

nbd.

puts on own shoes. doesn't need a mom.

:)

daddee.

sushi date.

Aged two years next month

2011-09-01T22:03:00.001-07:00

Tattoo Artist: Dutch Hollander
Sketch: Pablo Picasso "War and Peace"

Life's Lessons.

2011-08-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

Someone remind me, who is learning from who here? I am fairly certain that up to this point my girls have taught me far more than what I have taught them.

On the lesson plans lately:

Patience
Humility
Devotion
Affection
Creativity
Understanding
Maturity

And of course... The absolutely enlightening lightness of thinking like a child.

(forgive the poor photo quality, but this photo of my two girls means so much to me. Mila's alertness when her sister is around, Olivia's innate protective nature toward her baby sister, and their matching saucer eyes.)

Having breakfast.

2011-08-21T09:31:00.001-07:00

Two months old.

2011-08-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

Olivia and Mila, each at two months.

My honey girl is already two months old. She smiles and coos and searches the room for me with those eyes that go on forever. She is a doll, smells like heaven.

And yes, naturally my kids are really big fans of The Smiths.

La Abuelita.

2011-08-16T23:39:00.001-07:00

Death is so final. Sometimes I go to pick up the phone to call my grandmother- for a recipe, or a natural remedy for newborn congestion. Maybe it's just to hear her voice always happy to hear mine or validation on a topic she holds true as strongly as I do. Saturday mom and I went to have breakfast with my grandpa and the dinner table seemed too long and the chairs so empty. Every time I go over there I feel the need to mention her, casually. What I really want to do is ask my grandpa how he does it without her. The day to day. After a lifetime together how does he feel now?

It kills me a little she hasn't seen Mila's big blue eyes or heard Olivia's eager bilingual vocabulary. I need to lean on her as a woman and mother. She was so strong and with a heart so big. How did she balance both? I'll be sure to remind my girls they both met her, she passed when my Mila belly was blossoming and every time she saw me she would cradle the growing bump with her hand. She's felt her.

This post isn't a sad one. I feel happy thinking of her, content knowing that her lessons have stuck with me. With all of us, her daughters and grand-daughters. She taught me the importance of family, intelligence, virtue, and faith. I wish I had a photo to post of her when she was young and mothering EIGHT children. Just picture a 50s housewife, complete with finger curls and a curve hugging dress.

My girls will admire my mother like I do hers. That is a gift. So are her reminders to always stand straight, live with purpose, feed my brain, and wear lipstick.

My grandma and her five beautiful daughters at my wedding 10.8.10

Call me crazy.

2011-08-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Even after the fullest day. The loudest scream. The tangliest octopus toddler. The clingiest eight week old. Heavy arms. Tired legs.

I see them both asleep. Dreaming. Their eyes, respectively, are usually so large and stare at me expectantly. Now they are just tiny slits I barely make out in the dark. A pair of tiny chests slowly breathe up and down.

A sigh of relief and I pour a glass of wine.

After listening to music and writing and decompressing I am light again. And I miss them. The quiet is loud when you become so used to noise.

Love, marriage.

2011-08-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

I wonder why evolution hasn't helped couples also psychologically shift in unison after becoming parents. We create life together as man and woman, but then our different hormones and experiences from conception to birth lead us to dealing with having children in a completely different way. As women, we switch into mother mode as soon as we see the positive pregnancy test. So many changes occur within our bodies continuously throughout those gestational months and we cannot get away from it. Men are tied into this by approximation, because they supplied the sperm. After a stressful day at the office or while dealing with the fear of imminent fatherhood a man can kick back and drink a beer. Or go for a long motorcycle ride alone, a fishing trip with the buddies, or worse.

Then, the babies come and as both enjoy the joy and fatigue of a newborn, the difference in experience continues. You see each other in a different light, and a new love, but now there is a little something in between. Your tiny creation. Before it was just two pillows and one blanket on the bed, cuddle room for two. Now there are burp rags and diapers and baby spit marks. So then at the end of another hectic day and you finally see your husband at the other end of that couch where do you pick up?

2008

How much conversation can you have when all you did today was finally shave your legs, breastfeed, play at the park, drive around to induce nap time, go to Target, clean a poo disaster, teach your toddler about hot/cold, and have two sweet bodies smother you all day? After being mom since 6am I wish it was easier to slip into another role. Fun partner, sexy housewife, drinking buddy even. It's hard to seamlessly be all of those things, but it helps if you change out of your milk stained tank top.

The marrried with two kids aspect of our relationship is still lost on me. We are so young, I don't drive a van, and Todd doesn't wear a tie to work. Is there a limbo a couple can hang out in once they are past the free and dating phase but not quite in the grown up phase? When I look at my kid's dad I still see the the same guy that would pick me up on a rickety old Vespa during my lunch break at work and sing along to every Morrissey song that we listened to as we drove for the sake of driving. Maybe there is the key. In still loving each other for who we are as individuals and not as mom/dad/wife/husband. Perhaps we are on the right track if he instantly noticed when I finally wore real (!!) jeans after months of leggings and still smacks my butt when I walk by with loads of laundry in my arms...

1sts.

2011-08-07T21:43:00.001-07:00

It's so much fun having a little person in my life like Olivia. She is like a hurricane of emotions: excitement, frustration, joy, silliness, defiance, mischievousness. Sometimes all of the feelings are experienced in a ten minute time frame. Big kisses, loud screams, sweet giggling.

I'm having a blast experiencing firsts with her. It's always a big deal as a parent when your baby rolls over for the first time or says "mama". These milestones are exciting because they start to reveal the tiny human inside of that small blob of newborn we grow used to. Still, I've found these don't quite compare to experiencing the firsts of toddlerhood. First time going down the curly slide all alone and going "weeeee" all the way down, or the first cream center of an Oreo and saying "yummmm". There is the first street festival and pointing at all the rides and the of course the shock of the first time the Pacific slapped her in the face while playing in the ocean.

Today she got her face painted at the Chula Vista Lemon Festival and the look on her precious face when she looked in the mirror was so worth the $7. If you have met Olivia you'll be shocked to hear she sat PERFECTLY still the entire time. Like a big girl.

2011-08-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

It's shocking to have time to put in my contacts, shower, wear eyeliner, AND do my hair. I'd been hiding under glasses and messy buns!

7 weeks.

2011-08-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

August.

2011-08-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

I came out to the car tonight to grab the rest of the groceries. My brother in law is in the process of moving to a new apartment and his couch is sitting in our driveway while he gets situated. The air is still warm and a little sticky, it's so quiet and the crickets are chirping. The babies and husband are cozy inside, I can see the artificial glow of the lights in every window. Now I'm sitting on the couch and all I hear is the occasional car rush down the street and these crickets. The air has a relaxing heaviness to it. I never noticed how low the pepper tree branches droop, delicately grazing the trunk of the car and the brick fence. Its shadow is large and uneven. Pepper trees are my only company and it's so nice to just breathe this clean air. There's really no purpose to this post other than to share how wonderful it is to just kick my feet up in the driveway of our house on this beautiful August night.

Books & Babes.

2011-08-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

Last night after both babies were asleep Todd and I were watching our Sunday night TV show (Breaking Bad) and I noticed all the back to school commercials. They're aimed to an older college going audience- laptops and fuel economy cars. I mentioned I wish I was starting a new school semester in the fall. New notebooks, professors, lots of lattes and lectures. I felt a twinge of jealousy. He is a full-time student. I put my academic life on hold so he could continue his. Doesn't sound fair, does it?

When you have kids before attaining all your professional and financial goals you have to make deals, sacrifices. In order for Todd to make money and also finish his degree it isn't feasible for me to also go to school full-time. Where would the girls fit in? Well, that's easy. We'd both school and work and put the girls in daycare.

After thinking about it for a minute I realized I cannot resent/envy my husband for getting to go to school. Though he fully supports me continuing my education and career goals he is also supporting my current main goal. This is to be with my daughters. There is no pressure from him to help pay the bills or make sure the house is spotless.

I am sacrificing the university life but gaining my home life. I am not sacrificing the books forever, I just can't. It's too important to me. However, any time Olivia learns a new word or when Mila takes her first steps I will be there. I can't freeze their babyhood and come back to it later. When we can't have it all we have to pick and choose. I chose them.

For a while I worked, thankfully I am good at a thing or two that paid decent and our (then) family of three was living a good (simple) life. But, I hated every morning I would drop Olivia off to my mom or sister. She was fine but the pull was too strong. I know where I needed to be. Who knows what may happen in a year, things may change, but for now this is what we need to be doing. If you have read the blog for a bit you know that ours isn't a cookie cutter life. Things keep coming, some going, and I know that in the grand scheme of our adventure together we will take on many roles. So long as we keep moving toward something... but the girls come first.

%&$&#!!!!

2011-07-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

On the (thankfully) semi-rare occasion that both Mila and Olivia cry at the same time I pause for a second and think: "Wow. This is really kicking my ass. This is a whole new world from having one sweet little cherub baby to take care of."

There are a couple of days a week where I just survive through bedtime. Trying to keep Olivia occupied enough to tire her to go to bed at a decent time and Mila on the boob as much as possible since that is her favorite thing. If they are happy I am happy.

Sometimes I start daydreaming of a glass of wine and look at the clock and it's only noon. Then I remind myself to breathe and refocus. To find my center.

But now as I sit here and the house is still I have the perspective I look for when I am tearing at my hair in the middle of chaos. When I am wrestling Olivia into the car seat while Mila complains in her sling.

My children are healthy. Complete. Warm, fed, taken care of. We have all we need and more. I have the freedom to raise them as I choose. Every day we feel the sun on our skin and breathe clean air. Even on the most stressful days I look at my husband and see all the beauty of my kids in his face.

Now I can go to sleep and wake up semi-refreshed tomorrow because I will remember this in the morning. I'll enjoy my coffee and prepare for another day of high pitched laughter, blonde curls, unreasonable tantrums, 6 week old baby squeaks, sloppy kisses, elbow dimples, baby smell, a dysfunctional bedtime routine, and finally two sweet little girls tucked into their beds.

And then I will wake up and do it all over again the next day.

:)

6 weeks.

2011-07-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait to really get to know this little human and her eyes that seem to go on forever if you look right into them.

More than mom.

2011-07-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

A reoccurring theme in my parenting journey has been identity, my identity that I held true and the identity I sought to find once my belly began to blossom for the first time. It seems to take a while to get to know ourselves. In high school I was clueless, trying on different labels to see which fit. I started college and the real world threw me in the right direction. Hard lessons, certain relationships, a Europe trip, and newfound responsibilities started to show me who I really am.

Fast forward to Olivia Simone being two months old and I struggled to find myself. Listened to the same music, held the same beliefs, but certainly didn't wear the same size jeans. My identity crisis didn't have much to do with new curves but it had everything to do with trying to find the non-mothering me within the version of myself that had become a mom. My own perception of myself was smaller than the reality.

It was a constant pull between two sides: The me I kept fighting to keep alive and the me I was becoming without my own consent. Before too long I got it. Slowly. I began to understand that I cannot possibly remain the same person. In order to nurture and raise my child I had to break out of the limitations of who I thought I was and let instinct and Olivia guide me into who I was becoming.

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." -Anais Nin

Now that Mila is here my new challenge is a little easier only because I know that instead of pushing to stay the same, a version of who I think I am, I have to look forward and find myself as a mother of two. In this new role it's like I almost have to meet myself all over again. Rediscover my strengths and revisit the limitations and comforts I have subconsciously limited myself to. Every day I have to let myself grow, breathe deeply, and know that most days I am way in over my head. But that's okay, I sort of have it figured out.

As mothers we still are who we want to be, who we thought we were, but more. Always more.

San Francisco, 2008. The city where Pea was made and grew in my belly.

Mila- 5 weeks

2011-07-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Loving my sweet girl more and more each day. All she cares about is nursing or being near the nursers :) Hopefully soon she will like others just as much!

At the park

Bubble Bath

A sunny Wednesday.

2011-07-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today I had a really nice mini-date with Mila. We went to a breastfeeding support group that I had been meaning to check out, and I am so glad I did. It's in a part of San Diego that I love, full of cafes and independent shops in a neighborhood dotted with beautiful historic homes. When we buy property, I want it to be there! The group was great, lots of like-minded mamas and their sweetly chubby breastfed babies. It's funny to see a room full of slings and cloth diapered children with moms who are young and hip and not the stereotypical "hippie". Everyone is warm and welcoming and I always get a lot out of spending them with women in the same shoes as me. Mila is already over ten pounds, thriving and growing chubs solely on mama's milk :)

Afterward I enjoyed an iced latte and crepe at one of the French style cafes while Mila napped. It was lovely. I sipped slowly, savored every bite, enjoyed the warm sun on my skin. It's so important for mothers to remember to take a second and decompress. I walked back to the car with a smile on my face. It was that simple. A bath, a glass of wine, a walk alone. Lock yourself in your laundry room for a bit if you have to. Whatever it takes, take at least 30 minutes a day JUST FOR YOU.

Carousel.

2011-07-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I had a moment. It hit me suddenly and without warning. We were spending a nice Sunday out, the four of us with our good friends who are expecting their first baby in August. We went to Belmont Park in Mission Bay and naturally Olivia wanted to ride the merry-go-round. My friend held Mila and I went on with Pea. We chose the bunny and I strapped her in and stood next to her. The ride started and her smile grew. Bigger and bigger. I was standing so close I could smell the sun and sunblock in her yellow hair. I had my hand on her hips to steady her but she didn't even need it. I looked down to see two strong, long legs wrapped around the body of the bunny she was riding on. Her hands were gripping the gilded pole and she stood straight and confident. Through the round of her cheeks and baby face I saw her independence. Her personality. For the first time ever I glimpsed Olivia Simone, a person separate from me. An entire individual of her very own. My eyes filled with tears (very unlike me) and like a punch in my gut it came to me- My little girl is growing. And fast.

Before I know it she will start school. Before I can blink she will have a license and ask for a lock on her door. One morning I'll wake up tired because I stayed awake vigilant, waiting for her to come home after a night out. I cannot hold her back though I may want to. How can I deal with her hair one day smelling differently, or her elbows losing those innocent dimples? I'm so proud of my twenty month old girl, of her brains and her courage. I can only hope that in twenty years she might remember how happy she was on that merry-go-round. Of how much we meant, of how with each turn of the carousel she would wave to her daddy excitedly and then beam at me. Her smile so huge, expecting everything out of life.

4 weeks old.

2011-07-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

My sweet girl. Such an old soul I see in those eyes.

Floating on.

2011-07-14T22:07:00.001-07:00

I'm alive! You probably think I didn't survive the reality of mothering two under two. Especially now that it's the real deal- I am back on my feet and pretty much all healed from Mila's birth. It's been a whirlwind, the morning starts early and it's go-go-go. Alas, I am still around and actually doing okay. Dare I say it's fun?

I am too tired to write much. It's 10:15pm and that's late! On top of learning how to be mama to my two I also have been spending the rest of my energy enjoying these sunny summer days. Kiddie pools, iced coffees, and Sesame Street have been my keys to survival. And Mila's love of the boob sure makes keeping her happy easy. Thank goodness I have two of those! :) I'll be back soon with clever musings on the wet stains on the front of my tank top, how I haven't worn contacts in two weeks, and the knots in my hair because I no longer have time to adequately brush after my hurried showers.

For now, I leave you with some iPhone photos.

It's been hot + this babe is a heater

Summertime

NIP

2011-07-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

If you are exclusively breastfeeding your newborn, you are going to have to feed them in public. Unless you plan on staying home all day, or hiding in the bathroom. I think it's crucial to shift society's perception of a nursing mother. I am lucky to have a circle of friends who are educated and supportive of breastfeeding, so it's never an issue there. But, it's important to remember there is still a large portion of people who think a nursing mother should either cover up or feed their baby somewhere "private". The only way to normalize breastfeeding in public is to do it. Breastfeed wherever you happen to be, and whenever your baby is hungry.

On Sunday Todd and I went out to brunch with both girls. Mila was asleep in the sling and I knew I would for sure nurse her at least once during our meal. I looked around and all the tables near us were full. The one closest to us was a group of men sipping bloody marys and chatting about Twitter. I wondered if they would be weirded out by me boobin' the babe. It's still a delicate art, getting her situated and properly latched. A nipple flash is bound to happen. Adding a nursing cover or blanket into that equation just makes it all more hectic... and sweaty.

After brunch Olivia and Todd splashed around in the waves on the beach (O jumped into the water fully clothed). I sat on a bench watching them and nursing Mila. I found myself feeling slightly self conscious, and some people did do a double take. One mama gave me a knowing smile. I felt the need to be discreet. I kept us halfway covered with the sling. I hate to admit that I am not all there yet. I am not completely comfortable nursing in public because I know how some people perceive it. Because it is still a private part, my breasts. I am sure that as we get better at nursing without any glitches I will also be more comfortable feeding her anywhere, covered or not. In the meantime, I will continue to nurse in public without hiding in some dark corner because every single time I do so, I am doing my own small part to make breastfeeding as normal as giving a baby a bottle.

How have you dealt with nursing in public?

O & M

2011-07-02T09:22:00.001-07:00

Sunnies

Perched

Mila: Two weeks old.

2011-07-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Bounds.

2011-06-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the bed nursing Mila. Olivia comes in and hops on the bed to say hi to the baby. She starts off gently and then starts grabbing at her little toes a little too roughly. I remind her to be gentle and she doesn't listen. I hate having to scold her about not hurting the baby so finally I just set her off the bed. Olivia walked to the door and turned around with a very serious look on her face. She looked at Mila, then at me, and walked out.

My heart cried a little.

Look at this blog. It is an ode to Olivia. To my first child. It all began in early 2009 when I was pregnant with her and living in San Francisco. This is my love letter to her. If I something happened to me, I would want her to one day read all the entries I typed for her, pouring my love out onto the keys. Every word just flowed out of me, effortlessly, because she consumed me. Number one.

Two years later and now the number one spot is a shared one. My two girls. They both need me so much but in different ways. Olivia is needy because she is free and independent. I must watch her closely or she will be on top of the ceiling fan or splashing around in the toilet. She grows bored easily. Her intelligence is such that she notices EVERYTHING. I know she is comparing Mila to herself. Always in mommy's arms, gets all the blankies, and a shiny new car seat. I still dote on Pea but it's hard to give her 100% because I have a newborn that nurses constantly and is so helpless. Actually, 100% isn't just hard. It's impossible.

I know this is transitive and we will all evolve into a family of four, we will transition together. I am still getting used to having two babies, and hopefully Olivia will realize that she is as mine as she always was. She will forever be my first baby girl. My first true love. But, now Mila is here and I have realized my devotion to my girls is infinite. I have no limit.

I have two arms, two hands, and one really big desire to stretch myself in both directions.

matching dresses

Little Miss M

2011-06-29T12:11:00.001-07:00

Cannibalism.

2011-06-28T10:11:00.001-07:00

I keep raising the bar on my level of crunchy (see: hippie, alternative, nutty?). It started small with considering cloth diapers and has now come to me ingesting my own placenta.

Never thought I would say this. And proudly. Why? Because it works.

After I had Olivia I did suffer a temporary funk. And a milk under supply. And an overall new mom haze. When I heard of placenta encapsulation to ward off the post partum blues and help increase milk supply (plus more benefits) I didn't think much of it. The $250 it costs in San Diego wasn't worth it at the time when I was still pregnant and the new baby expenses just kept piling up.

My placenta: Cleaned, dried, and put into capsules.

This time around I knew I had to do it. It was worth a shot, definitely worth trying if it meant I could feel like myself sooner after having the baby. Around my 8th month a nice mama I met at a cloth diapering meeting asked me if I considered encapsulating my placenta. She told me she did hers with a friend and that after four kids could strongly attest to the benefits. Then, she offered to do mine. SCORE. I offered to pay her because I wanted to be 100% sure it would get done.

I took it as soon as I got home from the hospital and I have to say, I do not have the haze. The fuzzy, gray feeling that would come and go when Olivia was born. Lots of milk. More energy. My body is returning to homeostasis quicker because I am replenishing it with the minerals and hormones it lost when my placenta was removed. That ugly organ is actually a masterpiece of nature, the sustaining life source of Mila in my body. Blows my mind.

Lots of people are grossed out at the thought. They called it cannibalism. Really? As you chomp on fried chicken you tell me you are grossed out? Regardless, like I said, it works. I'd totally eat it in a sandwich if it meant I would feel this NORMAL so soon. I am sure there is still so much more we do not know about human placenta ingestion. Many mammals eat theirs instinctively after giving birth. It has been used all over the world, especially in Chinese medicine, for centuries.

I recommend it.

Sincerely,
Cannibal Val

S U R V I V A L .

2011-06-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Every mom to a new baby has a few items that she considers crucial to her survival in the first couple of weeks. This time around I realized that the most important survival tool to me was nothing found at Babies R Us but in the PEOPLE that are my support system. Recovering post-partum, a new baby who is attached to the boob, and a needy 20-month old makes for the need for help. At first I needed help just putting my underwear on, now 10 days later I need help with Olivia since I cannot lift her and sometimes my pain starts up again and I need to chill. Without my parents (mom, especially) and Todd I do not know how I would have made it.

Here is my short list of other "must-haves". Really, newborns do not need much. Don't let the baby warehouse convince you otherwise. Soon, all that brightly colored plastic stuff will just clutter. Save your money!

-NIPPLE CREAM! Pure lanolin.
-Cloth reusable nursing pads. Softer and comfier than the disposables that remind me of maxi pads for your boobs.
-Medela silicon breast shield. Allowed me to nurse with bleeding nipples. OW!
-Electric breast pump. Kept my supply up even when Mila was already full and my breasts haven't engorged. Can you believe I already have a small frozen stash???? YES!!!
-Light swaddlers for warm June days (I swear by Aden & Anais muslin wraps), and 100% cotton onesies. The wraps double as nursing covers, burp rags, and protect from harsh sun!
-A ring sling for tucking her in when we go to doctor appointments
-Boppy nursing pillow AND My Brest Friend nursing pillow. Both work great at different times... I would say My Brest Friend is best for proper nursing positioning in the beginning and the Boppy is great for its versatility and use later on when baby is bigger.
-Comfy pajamas and granny panties for me!
-Bravado nursing bras. SO WORTH THE EXTRA CASH! No weird misshapen boobs, comfy, seamless.
-Pure cocoa butter for after a nice, warm shower to relax me, heal dry skin, and make me smell good :)
*-My encapsulated placenta. This will get a post of its very own.

SHOP:
target.com
amazon.com
momsmilkboutique.com

Day by day.

2011-06-26T08:20:00.001-07:00

It's been over a week now and recovery is really kicking my ass. I'm hoping every day will get better and soon I'll be back to normal, out and about enjoying summer with Olivia and Mila tucked cozy in a sling. I really don't know what I would do without my family, especially Todd and my mom. I know I'm trying to rush it but I cannot wait to be on my feet again as I usually would be.

Whenever the pain or discomfort get me down I just need to focus on this:

Two

2011-06-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

One week old.

2011-06-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

The birth of Mila Isabel.

2011-06-24T10:19:00.001-07:00

I didn't get my VBAC.

I don't want to center Mila's birth story around the fact that she was born via cesarean. My focus is this beautiful and healthy baby girl. I cannot allow myself to dwell on her being cut out, or the unpleasant reaction I had to the epidural during surgery, or the recovery I'm now dealing with. Instead I'll put my thoughts toward Mila looking for me as soon as she was born, rooting and searching for my breast within seconds. As soon as we were wheeled to recovery we lay skin to skin and it did not feel as if though I were meeting her for the first time. She had a full head of dark hair, soft pink skin, and a full pouty mouth.

After surgery the doctor told me that although she advocates VBACs, mine could have been dangerous. Apparently, my uterus was paper thin surrounding my previous incision and this could have put me at great risk of uterine rupture. There is no way to check for this unless a.) I get cut open or b.) I labor and my uterus ruptures.

I was entirely present throughout the entire process, remaining calm and collected with a loving and supportive husband. As they took me into prep for the OR he gave me a kiss and I was reminded once more how lucky I am. I was focused on the operation and he was focused on me. My mom waited anxiously outside. The c-section began and I went over each step in my head and it was all so familiar. The first time around I was scared and shaking, this time I welcomed the process because every step would bring me closer to meeting my baby honey.

As the doctors performed the surgery they chatted casually, of Zumba and weekend plans. Mine was their first section of the day and they were fresh and relaxed. I took comfort in this and continued to pray and center my thoughts around my happy place. I asked Todd not to film this time and instead take pictures. I told him I wanted some cool gory shots to look at after. I glanced at them briefly a couple of days ago and stopped. Maybe they will be cool later on.

Mila came out crying instantly, an angry cry as if she was real pissed her stay in my belly was cut short. She looked so strong and vibrant as the doctors held her over the surgery tarp so I could see. Tears of happiness ran down my face. Seven pounds and ten ounces of healthy baby girl. Exactly 9 ounces and half an inch larger than her sister.

As she was assessed by the baby nurse in the room with her daddy by her side, I began to feel very sick. The anesthesiologist told me it was normal and to be expected. I'm not sure how long I was sick for but I tried hard to move through it so I could go back to focusing on Mila. Before too long the nausea wore off and I was stitched up and ready to go cuddle my daughter in the recovery room.

I consciously sought to find warmth in the cold and sterile hospital environment and made our strange hospital bed a cozy place by placing her on my chest inside my hospital gown and covering us up with the blanket. The experience of her first hours of life couldn't have been better than it was in a cesarean birth scenario. I owe it to my husband's comforting presence, my mom's loving urgency to witness everything, and primarily Mila's instant and magnetic attraction to me. Even now as I type this she is sleeping on my chest which seems to have been cut out in the perfect shape to fit her body.

In the hours and days following her birth I fell in love with her several times, feeling an overwhelming gratitude in my entire body. Olivia took to her right away and I just knew that she understood exactly what was going on. That that tiny wrinkly body perched on her mama's chest is her sister. How could I dare feel cheated?

I will continue to hate unnecessary cesareans and hope that the rate of cesarean births quickly starts to decrease. I don't know if my birth experience was a blessing in disguise and if a vaginal birth really could have lead to an extremely dangerous uterine rupture and I'll really never know. What I do know is that when I think of Friday, June 17th I'll be remembering the day the missing part of my soul found it's place back to me, a piece of me I didn't even know I was lacking. It's as if Olivia brought so much heart into my life and Mila brought me peace and more joy. During her birth I found the strength gained in my past twenty months of already being a mother and used it welcome my second child into the world exactly as I dreamed I would.

Present, focused, excited, and euphoric as she lay in my arms because she was safely home.

2011-06-22T05:18:00.001-07:00

Watching the sun rise through my bedroom window after nursing Mila back to sleep. Sleeping noobie on my chest, husband snoring next to me, and Pea far away in dreamland... Someone pinch me.

Babymoonin'

2011-06-22T05:05:00.001-07:00

Olivia & Mila

2011-06-19T13:45:00.001-07:00

My heart is bursting at the seams. Olivia is absolutely smitten with her little sister. Kisses, smiles, and a strong desire to squeeze I'm sure! She looks at her like a kid on Christmas morning.

Mila Isabel is here!

2011-06-18T06:38:00.001-07:00

Our sweet girl arrived yesterday 6.17.11 at 8:56am, 7 lbs. 10 oz./20.5 inches and a ridiculously full head of hair. She came out screaming and looking for mama. As soon as we got skin to skin she latched on and has been camping out on my chest since.

Birth story to come... In the meantime, I'm in heaven.

"The first language we speak is touch." -Ina May Gaskin

2011-06-16T13:46:00.001-07:00

I cannot wait to have my squishy, new baby girl in my arms. We must always wait for the best things in this life.

My heart

2011-06-15T23:04:00.001-07:00

Sitting pretty.

2011-06-14T17:28:00.001-07:00

Still preggo. No signs of labor. Just updating while I try to stop myself from banging my head against the wall.

:/

Edit: Since I'm past due I have gone in for non-stress tests on the baby. She is fine expect that her fluids are getting quite low. Please send labor dust our way... If not she will have to come via cesarean this weekend.

Either way, my healthy baby girl is the main focus.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One in back, one in front :)

2011-06-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

40 weeks+ preggo, 19 month old
Wrap: Natibaby Bamboo

Pregsomnia v. 83

2011-06-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

Not feeling too inspired to write but I can't sleep. Other bloggers post recipes, tasty ones, on days they may not feel like writing but I cannot do that. It'd make me a hypocrite because I do not cook. I just pass the links along to my husband. Yes, he cooks. Ladies, stand back.

It's 1:33am and Olivia will be awake in like 6 hours.

I've resigned myself to the fact that the baby is coming when she wants. No matter how many things I do, it's her time, not mine. She was conceived from the sperm who made it, she grew strong in her placenta home, and now I realize she is picking her birthday. I just hope it's before a certain day...

In the meantime I will continue to enjoy her company on these late nights when everything is so still, the smooth round feeling of my belly as I rub cocoa butter on my skin, and the sporadic movements she tries to make in her tiny hot tub. Pregnacy is so empowering and yet so humbling. My body nourishes this life but really I am just the carrier of an already perfect design, I only deliver the sweet creation.

40 weeks tomorrow.

2011-06-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

Baby has been measuring big all along but I am so glad I didn't go by any of the doctor's adjusted due dates. Those have come and gone and miss honey is sitting pretty. I guess I make a comfy incubator because Olivia was in no hurry to leave, either.

Since I am pushing (no pun intended) to deliver without a c-section, I am trying natural methods of perhaps triggering labor. If baby girl doesn't come on her own by the date my doctors deem safe (past 41 weeks) I would rather walk into a c-section than endure another chemical induction at the hospital that is likely to fail.

So far I have tried:

Walking, lots of it
Lunges
Raspberry leaf tea
Evening primrose oil- In more ways than one :-O
Good old sexy time
Labor cookies (yummy but no action)
Nipple stimulation
Spicy food

Monday I am getting a massage and acupuncture. If she isn't here by Wednesday I am considering castor oil. If any of you mamas have tried it, please comment and give me your two cents.

Send labor vibes our way!!!

-The round one

Waiting for Mila Honey...

2011-06-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Diapers and newborn clothes are washed and ready...

(cloth diapers by Sticky Peas)

Little handmade friends are waiting to meet her...

(made by my sweet friend Sarah for my two little girls)

Olivia spent her first night in her toddler bed last night, but still in our bedroom...

(bed built and designed by my handsome and talented husband, isn't it awesome????)

Crib assembled and ready at my parent's home...

(We will be staying there for a few days while I heal and bond with my newborn, and my mom will be help with Olivia since Todd cannot take too many days off work. My mom set up the extra room like a 5-star hotel. She is beyond amazing.)

Hospital bag packed...

(Full of Aden & Anais muslin swaddlers and a dream blanket, cloth nursing pads, lanolin, deliciously soft pajamas, a robe, Boppy pillow, maternity bras, socks, granny panties, chlorine-free newborn disposables, Mila's first outfits, and other comforts.

Pato!

2011-06-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to live in a city that has it all. Parks, ponds, museums, beach, mountains! Olivia has so much fun when she can just run and be free. Too bad she always cries when we have to leave.

The geese were bigger than her but she had no fear. Adventurous little girl with yellow hair.

"It’s because I think of you when I’m in bed in the morning that I can wind my spring and tell myself I have to live another good day."

2011-06-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

from Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

39 weeks today.

2011-06-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am still going by my original due date of 6.11.11 although the baby's been measuring about a week early since the beginning. Still very pregnant with no signs of exit.

If another stranger asks me if I should still be picking up Olivia I may punch them. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, DUDE? It's not super fun having her perched atop my bulge, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Only ten days until my due date.

2011-06-01T19:18:00.001-07:00

I advocate birthing centers and home birth although I have never experienced these things. I admire midwives because I have felt their peaceful and empowering touch, their kind words. I do not like hospitals, in general, because my experiences there have been frigid and chemical. There is nothing calming about a hospital bed, machines, and an IV when you are a young and healthy mother pregnant with a ripe baby.

Circumstances have left me with another hospital birth but I will be bringing the healing advice and peaceful spirit of the midwives and doulas I know with me. One of these women told me that so much of my journey is mental. I am filling my mind with thoughts of a successful vaginal birth, of having my husband close as I bring her into the world, and of the final outcome- A sweet, pink wrinkly body in my arms that we created. My little Mila, so pure and clean.

Talkin' babies.

2011-05-31T16:20:00.001-07:00

2008?

I used to be interesting. My conversations could be about anything from world politics to dissecting The Wall by Jean-Paul Sartre. I'd fill my brain with knowledge, live music almost weekly, and no art show that came to my city went unnoticed. I would juggle a lot. School in the morning, a PR job during the day, and cocktails at night. My life was fun and I did whatever I wanted. Todd and I decided to move to SF. And we did. We made the life we wanted.

Now, I am only semi-interesting if you have a kid. I have traded my reading from existentialism to natural parenting. The other night I was reading a little Dostoevsky on iBooks and when I dozed off after about two minutes my iPhone fell on my face. I notice that most of my conversations revert back to Olivia, or babies in general, pregnancy. I want to diminish this but how? My kidless friends must be bored to death. I am still me, but motherhood is consuming. It's hard to be Valeria + mom. It quickly becomes ValeriaMom. There's an overlap.

I am grateful for the great circle of friends I have made over the years, the same ones who knew me when I was carefree and now know me knocked up plus one. I'd like to think that they still like me the same, and I know they love Olivia. My hope is that they'll stick around long enough for me to be cool again, or maybe I never will be. Possibly they'll find the humor in dancing to Depeche Mode with a 19 month old or the fun of smuggling beer in sippy cups to the beach. I promise not to hand her off if she is crying or smells weird.

I am unapologetically head over heels in love with mothering, with this new role. I'll try to keep it light around them so they don't forget why we became friends in the first place. I look forward getting nights out here and there, dancing and wearing something cute.

But really, the mom gig is the best job I have ever had.

She wears the sun in her hair.

2011-05-30T21:25:00.001-07:00

38 weeks.

2011-05-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today marks 38 weeks out of the 40 allotted to pregnancy. My "due date" is only two weeks away. How is it possible that seems long and short at the same time? I still haven't packed my bag because since Olivia was late I am expecting this baby to take her time, too. She is so low, head in my pelvis, and I am crampy all the time it seems. My body feels ripe and ready but I do not want to get ahead of the game. I've begun to drink raspberry leaf tea and started taking evening primrose oil in hopes that these will help my body get ready for honey's labor whenever that may be. Remember, we are avoiding a repeat cesarean. I am one pregnant busy bee, trying to fill my days with fun and enjoyable activities. Dinners with my parents, lunch with friends, and sunny days at the park with Olivia. At home I am keeping up with housework and just taking any opportunity to keep myself moving. Over the past 9.5 months I have collected the most precious little things for our bitty girl. I keep telling Todd I hope my water breaks and my labor takes off in a super dramatic way like in the movies. I'm trying to be patient.

Dear Honey,

I'll keep this brief. As I have told you before, I cannot wait to see your pretty face. I love how you react to your sister and daddy, how their touch makes you dance around in that big belly of mine. Thing is, even though my belly grew nice and round to accommodate you, you're still bigger than this space. With every turn and kick you severely hurt mama's organs and tailbone. Just keep this in mind next time you pirouette.

I will see you soon.

All of my love,
Mama

2011-05-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Clean diapers make me happy. Have a wonderful weekend :)

Blue Light.

2011-05-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

I miss her when she's sleeping. Especially now that I lay awake at night with pregsomnia. The room is so still and quiet. Every day I'm counting down til bedtime once the evening rolls around, but lately I've noticed how much she adds to my environment. Her sticky fingers grabbing at my face, the constant "mommy, mommy", super close up view of her chubby smiling face when she's always up in my business. Right about now I could use a laugh as she imitates the way I walk in heels, her persistent repetition of a word when she wants something, or the sweetness of her toddlerhood- like saying "bye bath!" and waving at the bubbles and water as I pull her out of the tub. As if she's thanking a good friend for a good time.

Maybe I don't really want her up right now at midnight. Perhaps I'm just worried I'll miss something as my other arm cradles a newborn. Probably why I have two arms, two ears, two eyes...

The Wait.

2011-05-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have a full grown baby living in my body.

Rubber Ducky.

2011-05-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have written before about having all the ducks in a row, and how my husband and I failed epically at doing so. Instead, our ducks are all different shapes and sizes, completely out of order. Some are double, some are missing entirely. Our life is constantly changing, new circumstances arise and we conquer them. It's no walk in the park to juggle college, kids, jobs, bills- all while trying to retain some youth in our young adulthood. I really can't say I would change much, because how can you say you regret experience? Or learning. Or the forceful education attained from life reminding you that you don't know anything.

The other day we talked about having it all and how there is always something you don't have. If you choose to focus your energy in such a way, it will be easy to find something missing. But how can everything I desire fit into my little life? It's already so full, bursting at the seams in good fortune, staggered with much to be happy for.

Last Resorts.

2011-05-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

This is what it has come to. Putting one of the baby's newborn diapers and Olivia's tee on Elmo so that the yellow-haired monster will let me dress her. Some morning my belly is just too big and her leg kicks too frequent to battle. If you can't beat 'em...

Twenty Days.

2011-05-23T15:56:00.001-07:00

My due date is exactly twenty days from today. She could come before... or after. But, let's call it twenty days. I decided to celebrate the coming of my other baby girl by cuddling in bed with the older one. When it was time for Olivia's nap we both climbed into our warm and comfy bed. Surrounded by cozy blankets and the sweet smell of her hair, I stayed in my pajamas and read even though it was 1:00pm. I have this thing where I feel like every day I need to wake up with something to do. A play date, or bleach the bathroom, or wash five loads of clothes. Today I decided to just take in my pea and her singularity. The only child. Just one tiny body curled up in the comforter, one little chest breathing up and down, one pair of arms hugging my neck as we doze off.

You have poo on your arm.

2011-05-20T16:23:00.001-07:00

This mom job is serious business. I always knew I wanted babies. Someday. They are so cute, and smell good. Their clothes are tiny and adorable. I always loved those little snug fitted jammies and the chubby thighs of my nieces and nephews. Then, Olivia came into the world and I was thrilled. Not only was being a mama wonderful, it was pure sweetness. Pea was such a delightful infant, so happy and easy going.

As I write this Olivia is sitting watching some cartoon on Sprout, fresh out of the bath. Fifteen minutes ago she was flinging poo like a zoo monkey. Five minutes ago she was screaming like the kids I remember seeing out in public that I was so sure I would never have. Every single thing we do recently is a struggle. Have you ever tried to remove a wet toddler from the bath as she fights you to stay in the tub?

Her new found desire for independence means she insists on buckling her own car seat, refuses clothes, takes off her diaper (thus, poo flinging), wants to pee on the big toilet not the baby toilet, and so forth. I want to advocate her intelligence and free will but at the same time I need to set some boundaries. There has to be a middle ground.

Now, I am starting to realize what parenting is really all about. It's not about choosing organic and feeding boobie. Or surviving the newborn phase. Being a mom is trying to do what is best for your child and facing an opposing force. This force being your own kid. This struggle will continue throughout her entire life, and take on many forms. The rebellious child, the rebellious teen, the clueless young adult. Motherhood is not for wussies. Or the faint of heart.

Don't forget the anti-bac.

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-05-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

Buenas noches luna.

2011-05-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

Last night Olivia decided to cry/scream hysterically from the hours of 9-10pm. It was the sort of hysterics that cause a headache and your nerves feel like nails on a chalkboard with every wail. It all started because I told her it was time to go to bed after we laid together and played an animal sounds game on my iPhone. Usually she's laid back enough to just whine a little if something doesn't go her way, especially if milk and a paci are offered. Sometimes she may have a 45 second tantrum to make sure we know she's pissed. This bedtime session nightmare was of epic frustration of the monster-toddler variety. It was the kind of stuff that would make my kidless friends take a vow of celibacy. In a final act of patience I decided we needed to go for a car ride.

I like driving around our town at night. The streets are so empty, the air smells the cleanest when everything is dark and all the cars are tucked away in their garages. Beach House played on the radio and I let the floaty, dreamy music calm me and the sweet air fill my lungs. It didn't take long for Olivia to doze off and at a stoplight I looked up at the big and beautiful full moon. I felt a strong peace come over me and felt more present within myself than I had in a while. So much of my life is going to change once again. I'm always so prepared for it, my secret talent is quick adaptation. A new life is coming into mine and though I don't know exactly how everything will fall into place I know things will. They always do.

I must thank my daughter for losing her cool... If it weren't for her I wouldn't have had a chance to reflect within myself and greet such a brilliant moon.

Full term.

2011-05-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend was really nice and refreshing. Saturday my mom threw me a baby shower brunch and everything was lovely. My girlfriends and cousins helped out and I felt so loved. They showered me with gifts and laughs. I felt so lucky and grateful to have such wonderful women in my life. That is exactly how I felt after the baby party they threw me for Olivia, too. I ended up exhausted, maybe because I wore heels with my cute dress. I will probably put the heels away neatly in their boxes until after the baby is born.

Beautiful cupcakes baked by my mom and decorated by my godmother/aunt

Cookie pops, party favors!

Sunday my girlfriends and I went out to breakfast and a movie. Again, more laughs and girl talk. My two childhood (and now, adulthood) best friends came to town for the party. Being around them is like being home, wherever we are.

It was a wonderful way to begin this final stretch of pregnancy. This means I am in my 37th week of baby baking. My little girl is full term and could safely make her way into the world tomorrow if she wanted to. There is still so much to do, but I am going to tackle it day by day. I feel a lot more anxious and motivated to get everything done than earlier on. Perhaps it's because my nesting symptoms are in overdrive now as the countdown nears it's end. Olivia's due date came and went and she was nowhere near budging. I have a feeling this baby girl doesn't plan to mimic her sister, she has her own plan. Hopefully it's something like the dreams I keep having!

Sunday, 7:20am.

2011-05-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Sharing fruit snacks.

2011-05-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

All gone...

Plural.

2011-05-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Being a mother of two can be very overwhelming. I know it and my #2 is still conveniently living in my belly. My first taste at this new complexity in my life as a parent is stemming from my rightfully needy 18 month old and my pregnancy blahs that make me want to just sit and sip a spiked lemonade. Olivia needs to me to have boundless energy and patience for her and sometimes this can put me in a funk. As I approach my due date my body is really hurting this time around, I feel uncomfortable and fatigued and this affects my hormones. It's all a cycle and the end result is me being eternally grateful for a mom that is so helpful because Todd is so tied up with school and work, too.

I refuse to lament myself for more than a few minutes. Those moments where I am alone in the shower, and I hear Olivia outside whining and look down at an enormous baby bulge and I wonder what the hell am I doing. I feel a desire to cry and feel sorry for myself but I can't. The tears burn behind my eyeballs but something stops me from wishing some things were different, for wishing certain people were different than they are, and yearning for flashbacks of my former life. Maybe the reason I cannot just feel sorry for myself is because I know the person I search for no longer exists, the me I am today is the only one left. This me is stronger and smarter that the one who lived for herself daily and had no one to care for.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” -Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Last night as I lay in bed, the baby's movements were stronger than usual. Usually, they are soft and fluid, sometimes abrupt but never the dance parties Olivia used to have. As I finally started to doze off happy to see the crappy day end she kicked me. Hard. Then she did it again. And again. The kicks had a calculated pause in between as if she was waiting to make sure she had my full attention. I brought my hand to my belly skin, the closest I can get to touching her for now, and she seemed to relax. She had gotten my attention, and then started to just lightly move around again. I couldn't help but feel she was trying to tell me something. It was as if she wanted to say, "I will be worth it, mom. I promise."

Mother's Day- 35 weeks

2011-05-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day weekend...

2011-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Go check us out guest posting over at Monkey and the Bug! So honored :)

Hope all you mamas are getting spoiled! xo

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-05-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

Retraction.

2011-05-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

My very informal name announcement must be retracted. To spare any further confusion, we will announce the baby's name when she has her official birthday.

Not to keep you in suspense or anything... I just don't quite know her name yet either.

Feels like summer.

2011-05-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

I love the fall and I always have.

The leaves, brisk air, the poetic gray days and warm scarves. I love listening to Radiohead on gloomy October mornings and drinking cinnamon infused coffee. I fell in love in the fall, married my love in fall, had my Olivia in the fall. But, then there's the summery San Diego heart that I have. I feel rejuvenated by a toasty day and tanned shoulders. Especially with this huge baby belly, I appreciate a warm day where I can wear a loose and cool dress in comfort.

Sunday I laid out in the backyard while Olivia napped. It was lovely, sipping on watered down iced apple juice, listening to music, and reading Bukowski. I am not naked, but my massive bump hid my bikini bottoms. Yikes.

Yesterday, my favorite blondie and I headed out to the pool.

Though the day was hot the pool wasn't too warm and Olivia seemed to have gotten a little chilly and didn't enjoy it that much. She didn't cry or complain but did seem apprehensive about the whole thing. She kept a firm grip on me the whole time and I took my time enjoying it. Olivia is usually so confident and independent, I will indulge in any moment where my daughter will have her little arms wrapped so tight around me.

She even stayed cozy and still long enough to have a good cuddle session on the lounge chair with me under soft and sweet smelling towels from home.

Second time mom syndrome.

2011-05-02T20:44:00.001-07:00

I have collected a lovely collection of stuff for the baby. Sweet little onesies, cute summery rompers, adorable vintage frilly dresses, fluffy newborn diapers, and more. All of Olivia's muslin blankets she no longer uses are neatly tucked away. The boppy lounging chair we used so much is waiting in a corner for her new owner. Colorful wraps to wear her in are braided and ready to hold her safe and close to me. Teeny shoes are patiently sitting on a shelf.

I look at the bags of things I need to organize and I am so exhausted just thinking about it. The drawers I need to label and replenish, the creativity that I will need to accomplish organizing two little girls' wardrobes with limited space, and all the newborn laundry that needs washing. I want everything to be perfect for her arrival but I am drained of the energy to do it.

Baby Honey,

I promise to get everything done before you arrive. Just promise me you won't take too long to get here.

Love,
Your tired mama carrying you everywhere I go + your sister likes to catch a ride, too :)

It's May...

2011-05-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

I AM HAVING A BABY NEXT MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I've been looking forward to saying that :p)

1.5 years old.

2011-04-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

My baby girl is one and a half years old today. This has been a beautiful adventure, and watching her grow is such a treat. At this point, Olivia and I have both learned so much but I am pretty sure I have learned the most valuable lessons so far. I don't know how I got so lucky to be her mama, but it's been the greatest blessing in my happy life.

Thanks for Pup, Todd :)

Newborn

6 months old

1 year old

Today

8 month photoshoot.

2011-04-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Natalie and I did another photo session yesterday in the forest-y area of Balboa Park. Although Balboa Park architecture is so well respected and important, that is not the background either one of us envisioned for the shoot. The sun was a little bit on the harsh side but we found some shadows to hide in and even managed to get some photos with the little monster.

It's hard for me to feel comfortable in front of the camera with this huge bump in my front, I just feel a little trapped in this body and need to find myself in this pregnant silhouette. Our final shoot before the baby will include my handsome husband :)

Here are some photos from the shoot. Natalie was wonderful as always.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hope your day is bright and colorful :)

image via: Google

Let's have a chat.

2011-04-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Pretty much the coolest thing about being a mom right now is the beginning of actual conversations with my kid. It's seeing that brain of hers grow and grow daily, she learns so fast. I love asking a question and getting an answer, or sensing her thoughts by piecing together baby gibberish and actual words. Olivia chats all day and her tone changes. Angry, excited, happy, frustrated. I cannot wait to ask why she thinks the sky is blue or what she thinks clouds are made of. We will have tea parties and puppet shows.

I am obsessed with watching that plump little berry mouth make words.

8 months pregnant.

2011-04-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I signed my VBAC consent form. According to my doctor, I am an ideal candidate and have a 80% chance of success. What a nice little round number. So, I have an 8 out of 10 chance of delivering my second baby girl how nature intended without having to have my body cut open. It means that I have a higher than likely chance of having my baby put on my chest when she is born, that I will not have to go to a recovery room without her, that we can have a skin-to-skin welcome as soon as she comes into the world. I can sing her happy birthday.

This number will only apply to me if my body goes into labor naturally before a deadline. Most likely the deadline will be 41 weeks though I will push for 42. If I do not go into labor naturally then I am out of luck because I refuse another induction and all those nasty drugs that will only end in cesarean anyway. There is really nothing I want more right now than another healthy baby and to not be in that 20% that gets cut up once more. Whenever I get frustrated my insurance won't cover a homebirth, or I feel that my VBAC is really a shot in the dark, I am reminded that what comes out of c-sections isn't so bad.

Actually, it can be wonderful.

2011-04-20T22:18:00.000-07:00

And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’
-Kurt Vonnegut

We took a little roadtrip up north after my birthday and it was lovely. A stop in San Jose, a night in San Francisco, and another night in Santa Cruz were the perfect little break from the routine. It was nice to be home and back in my bed. A roadtrip at 8 months pregnant is no joke but Olivia was a dream.

I didn't take many photos. I just wanted to be in the moment, enjoying my family, and making sure Olivia didn't escape her stroller.

Daddy Babywearing

32 weeks pregnant

Tree climing in Santa Cruz

Beautiful Redwoods

Sweet Pea

Happy birthday to me.

2011-04-14T11:54:00.002-07:00

I turn 25 today.

Only twenty-five and I am a wife and a mother of two. I don't ever remember feeling so glad to be another year older, hopefully wiser. I feel calm and introspective, both feet planted firmly on the ground. I've always been a dreamer, I was always searching and yearning for more. At thirteen I longed for freedom so I could find my purpose, freedom to be the person I wished I was. There is nothing I wanted more than independence. In old diaries I wrote of escaping to a city rich in art and culture, maybe with a handsome boy and a cat. I'd write and explore and live every day to the fullest. And I did. I did this.

Now everything has been re-purposed and I find myself digging back into my roots. I find courage in my mother's words and happiness in my daughter. Every day I appreciate my husband more and like myself better. I've learned a lot and this only serves to remind me there is still so much I do not know.

I am happy where I am right now. Some things are on hold and some are moving steadily along. Parts of me are in limbo and others are sprouting and so alive. I am happy to still write, embark on small adventures, and wake up joyous to find a brand-new day. Young, ready, strong, naive. Still a dreamer, always a dreamer.

Into the 32nd week.

2011-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

I want to eat...

green seedless grapes
chocolate chip cookies
cheeseburgers

I crave...
beer.

My belly is enormous. So far, it's the only thing getting super large.

The weeks are going by fast and slow at the same time.

I want to see what my baby girl looks like. I want to hold her.

I hope and wish and daydream about my body going into labor naturally when she's ready.

My body feels sore. Carrying around this big belly is like a workout at the end of the day.

A toddler that likes to be held doesn't help.

Two voices soon. "Mama. Mama. MAMA!!!"

In the meantime...

Extra hugs and kisses for Pea.
Collecting and sorting adorable summer onesies and teeny dresses.
Mini newborn cloth diapers that look like clouds.

We need a bigger bed.

A letter to my daughters.

2011-04-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

To describe how I love you would be difficult because it would require me to articulate the way a part of me was born when you were created, an entire portion of my soul that didn't exist before your perfect face. It would be nearly impossible to string words together to adequately explain the way you have moved me, altered me, made me become a better woman simply because you need me to be. Though at times it was daunting, how could the selfish and free spirited person that I was trade it all for a tiny being with lips shaped like a heart? The most magical part of my mothering experience thus far is that not only did you supply me the biggest love I could ever experience, you also gave me the strength and courage to be the best version of myself for you.

After only one year of you filling my new universe with peace and the most pure happiness, my body began to grow and sustain a whole new life. I felt drained and so tired, my thoughts were confused. We didn't feel ready for another extension of our love though your sister planted herself and grew. She needed to come to us though we did not know it yet. Now my belly has blossomed and is now large enough that when I hold you your small body has to wrap around my stomach and so she is always between us even now. I lay with you as you sleep and feel guilty for you and then for her. For you, my first love, because soon our universe's center will shift and you will be forced to share your throne. And for her, because where can I fit so much more in my heart and soul? How could I possibly double all of this devotion?

But I can, and I do, because I have realized that though my body would have birthed and created both of you, you don't really belong to me. Or to daddy. You are meant for each other. Your sister was made for you and you for her. Two individual people coming from the same small place that kept you safe, you pushed against the same skin and enjoyed the same hand trying to feel you daily. But my time will pass and I will one day no longer be your sun or favorite person. You will both expand and become older and must protect each other always.

My only job is to nurture and love you. When we are gone in each other you will find the greatest comfort, your roots. You must be true to your sister, unconditionally no matter what. There will never be another person on this Earth that is more a part of you than her, until you have your own children, and then you will need each other even more. Now I see you so sweet and beautiful little girl, and soon enough we will meet our baby honey. I am content with the knowledge that you two will have each other to lean on and trust.

Never forget, you belong to each other.

Wordless Monday.

2011-04-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Advocacy shirt @ For Crying Out Loud